The Fighting Temeraire

The Hard Problem Revisited

2012-02-07T19:08:00.000-08:00

A Dualist's nighmare,
A Materialist's horror,
The phantom wailed
And writhed, helpless,
Dragged behind its shambling corpse, and
Screamed from the quantum void,
"Behold, the howling face of the sun!"

(Inspired by Keith Thompson's "Apollonian Wight")

Permanent Head Damage

2010-08-12T17:31:00.000-07:00

We're alive. And apparently, we are moving to Portland.

For those of you who may still check this blog every once in a while and have no idea why we are suddenly moving, perhaps I should fill you in.

It's over. I finished my Ph.D. and am free from the soul-crushing depths of grad school. After a frantic job search, I landed a job at an unspecified school that shall remain unspecified, and The Wife landed a really fantastic PT job. We're looking forward to getting the hell out of the valley. While our surroundings may be beautiful, the culture here is driving us absolutely nuts.

The Wife was joking that by moving from the valley to Portland, we would go from being considered some of the most liberal people in town to some of the most conservative in town without altering our political beliefs one bit. So, you know, that dynamic should be really fun to play with.

Life after grad school has been... kind of weird. I often compared grad school to living at the bottom of the ocean: Dark and isolated, with bizarre surroundings, unpredictable life events, and an overwhelming sensation that your entire body is being crushed from all sides. Now, life feels sort of... odd. When you remove a great pressure, the sensory system has a hard time adjusting to the absence of the constant input from the cells that detected that pressure. Or, when you get off a long train ride, your vestibular system may feel, at times, that you are still on the train and generate a ghost sensation of motion even when you're standing still. The emotional system, unsurprisingly, is very similar to this. For a while after defending my dissertation, I had moments where I would start to fret again about my experiments only to remember that I had defended and was done. I guess it's a little like PTSD, but instead of flashing back to a combat situation, I flash back to a draft edit or a statistical analysis. Or the defense itself. It took me a few weeks to wind down properly after that one. They don't let you walk out of there feeling very tall.

The last few months have been spent essentially recovering from grad school and preparing for my new job. Emphasis on the recovery part.

One of my advisors said something interesting the other day, about how a Ph.D defense is one of the hardest, most stressful events a human being can go through. It's apparently right up there with giving birth and a death in the family. I wonder how it stacks against being assaulted or getting shot?

The biggest lesson that I learned from the entire process is that I don't know anything. At all. You would think that having a Ph.D makes you feel smarter. It doesn't. More than anything, I feel dumber, unqualified, incapable, incapacitated, ineffective, impotent, perplexed, and overwhelmed. I eat and breathe and sweat and spit weakness. The entire process is designed to teach you how to really think, and it begins with crushing you until you realize that you don't know a damn thing. And the process does this very well. But what it does not do is put you back together. I suppose that part is up to me, but I'm so damn tired that I hardly feel up to it. Well, I suppose that I feel less tired and hopeless than I did right after I got my degree. I think that it will get better with time, but I hope that I don't lose my grip on the fact that I don't know anything. It seems odd to say, but really grasping that lesson and holding it close to your chest is worth all the anguish. I know that a lot of academics never really get a good grip on that lesson. Or if they did, they lose it.

Oh, God, I pray that I don't lose my grip on this. I worked so hard to learn that I'm an idiot. It's far too valuable to lose.

No, we are not dead

2009-11-11T12:02:00.000-08:00

At least, I don't think we are.

It just feels like it, here at the bottom of the sea. I remember what the surface was like, back when we were just treading water. The sun. The waves. The salt in the air.

But that's all gone now. Here, we just have the murk of the bottom and the fear of the things that feed and scuttle and snap. Odd shapes lurk in the mire. Most of them take the form of smaller pests, but larger, more unsettling terrors swim these depths. They show themselves in flashes of teeth and feelings of uncertainty. We try to swim up for air, but there is none to be had, as strong tendrils drag us back to the bottom. Even our rest is restless, here at the bottom of the sea, as dark things creep in the long, black nights.

When I glance upwards, I see ghostly shapes. Shapes of things that we lost when the ship went down. Friends, family, places once called home, all distant shores long forgotten. They whisper and dance on the current, detached and ephemeral. I cannot tell if they ever existed. If they did, they seem little more than embers. It drifts by in the void, milky and viscous, altogether intangible and disconnected. I reach out for them, but I cannot grasp them. Some of them reach back. Some do not. Very few descend to our depths and walk with us in the dark mire, our footfalls disturbing the deep silt, clouding the fluid that surrounds us. We tell them that we are not dead. We swear we are not dead. But let's face it - we certainly don't seem to use our lungs all that much anymore. When the cloudy ghosts speak, we cannot draw breath to respond. And what would they know? They move through our depths occasionally, but never feel the pressure. They stay for a time, and then depart, leaving warmth in their absence, and the question of whether or not they even heard us. Are we as insubstantial to them as they are to us?

We do not know. And we hardly have time to think. The mountains here in the ocean depths are vast, and we must watch our footing. Our path looks to go deeper still before it turns up into shallow waters. We hope that when we come up to the surface, at long last, that we will find a world that can offer us even a scrap of familiarity.

We shall see. But for now, we must hurry. The waters are shifting, the current is picking up, and large things are beginning to move in the black. Large and hungry. We are, after all, not dead yet (are we? We can't be...), and to stay that way, we need to move. Now.

Congratulations Quijote and Ardrilla!

2009-03-19T10:45:00.000-07:00

They were married last Saturday in Juarez, surrounded by friends and family. God bless you both in your new life together!

It was interesting to visit the El Paso/Juarez area, primarily because I had never been south of the border. Seeing the mountains that Cormac McCarthy imagined to be on fire when he got the idea to write The Road was pretty sweet... especially since it was followed by a discussion of The Road with Quijote and the dirty hippie.

The food was great, the hospitality was warm, the wedding was lovely, though I had to have Fernando explain some of the traditions to me. Such as the lasso. That was a new one to me, but was apparently a tradition older than using wedding rings. Basically, they had the couple kneel and they lashed them together with a lasso. When I first heard about it, I was hoping some cowboy would burst into the church and toss a lasso around both of them from the aisle while they struggled to get away, but that didn't happen.

Also, I loved the fact that they said each other's vows to one another in the native language of the other person. Behold, the foundations of a bilingual household.

Now, there is the subject of the reception. It was insane. I'm not going to sugar coat it. Three words: Surprise Mariachi Band. I think that pretty much sums it up.

In all, I wish both of you the best.

Now, Quijote, you just need to convince her to let you have a Corgi, and you'll be all set. Just remember the mantra: Cutest. Dog. EVER. ;)

Silence fills the empty tomb...

2009-03-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

...but questions linger on.

Bones rattle. Dried, calcified fingers scrape the stonework. Ulna and radius rattle, shifting weight from arm to arm. Tattered graveclothes rasp and tear as dust falls from the limbs. With great force, the corpse pushes itself up, craning its neck, lifting its head towards the light. Empty eye sockets scrape the air, hungry for the sun. The dessicated mandible drops open, the memory of lungs clawing for air.

And yet, a breath escapes the maw of the skull, kicking up dust into the darkness. Impossible. No lungs expell it. No vocal chords give it vibration. No lips part to let it pass. Yet the husk exhales, then draws breath back in to empty ribs.

It rises upon frail femur and trembling tibia. Rags cling to the husk. Scraping across a dusty floor, it shambles with force far beyond what it's frail frame ought to facilitate. Phalanges old and dry grip the stone that seals the tomb and push. The air shifts and hisses as freshness and light pierce the crypt.

Out across the graveyard and down through the field, the ghoul staggers steadily. Down the road and to the sea, across the pier and past the docks, its empty eyes trace the outline of an old ship, long broken apart for firewood. It climbs aboard the vessel's memory and staggers to the stern. There, its claws grip the wheel.

The hanging jaw hisses a command. The sails drop. The anchor lifts. A wind, unfelt, fills the sails. The wheel spins, and the ship obeys.

Empty eyes, lidless and invisible, lock upon the open sea. Bones long dead remember the salty breeze. The trappings of life long left behind, with all its cares and worries and lies and politics, the dead man's heart begins to warm.

One thought echoes in the empty skull.

I live again.

The memory of lips peel back into a smile as the spectral hull crashes against the waves.

Never before has the dead man felt so alive.

Prelims: The Verdict

2008-09-10T16:44:00.001-07:00

I PASSED!

Thank you GOD!!!

That means I'm an official Ph.D candidate!

Prelim Count: 4/4 - Testing Complete

2008-09-05T22:13:00.000-07:00

The paper is done and turned in.

Thank you God that the tests are over.

This has literally been the hardest thing I have ever done.

Please pray that I pass the tests. The ballot meeting to decide if I made it through is this coming Wednesday at 1:00 p.m.

I have never felt so spent.

Prelim Count: 3/4

2008-09-03T15:44:00.001-07:00

Three down. One to go.

Seven and a half ours, counting breaks. I think around six and a half without breaks.

Sixteen pages total. Closer to 15.2. Single spaced.

Glad that one's over.

Now, there's just the paper...

Prelim Update: Round 3

2008-09-03T06:05:00.000-07:00

The last test is today. But I'm not finished yet. The paper has been extended to Friday. It needs a lot of work still, according to my advisor.

Ugh.

That means I'm going to be working on it all day tomorrow and all day Friday.

Don't expect to hear from me for a few days.

In the meantime, round three commences in two hours.

And by the way: Google Chrome, Google's new web browser, is totally awesome. Go download it and give it a try if you haven't. No time to post a link for it... just google it. :)

Prelim Count Update: 2/4

2008-08-29T15:42:00.000-07:00

Two down. Two to go.

Started at 8. Finished at 3.

7 hours. 6 and 1/2 if you cut out my lunch break. Closer to 6 if you cut out bathroom breaks and me just needing to pace because I was alone in a tiny room that was half-filled with file cabinets and I could hear my thoughts bouncing off of the walls and on to the blank page in front of me.

So, yeah. 7 hours. 6 hours actual writing time. Ugh.

13 pages (closer to 12.3), single spaced.

Felt a lot better about this one. There was one question that I'm pretty sure I got wrong, but the others I felt pretty good about. I even had a moment of brilliance on this one.

Ask me about it sometime when I'm not brain dead.

Second Round of Prelims

2008-08-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

Getting ready to start in the next 20 minutes.

Looks like I'm in for another day of writing for eight solid hours.

Pray now.

More later.

Prelim Count Update: 1/4

2008-08-27T13:10:00.000-07:00

One down.

Three to go.

After I was finished yesterday, I nearly fell asleep during dinner. I think I burned off about a pound via necessary neural metabolism (yes, your brain actually DOES burn a lot of calories during intense thought).

Eight hours. Of solid writing. And that doesn't count breaks. It was sixteen pages single spaced when I was done with it.

The next one is on Friday.

More later.

Prelim Exams...

2008-08-26T07:54:00.000-07:00

...start today. My first one is in six minutes.

Pray that I do well.

Second one is on Friday.
Third is next Wednesday.
Paper is due any time between now and Wednesday.

More later.

The Neuron Doctrine Revisited

2008-08-20T23:31:00.001-07:00

All of thought is but chemistry and electricity.

So why can't I explain these damn ghosts?

Published!

2008-06-25T13:24:00.000-07:00

My advisor just called me to let me know that my masters thesis is getting published in the journal Memory and Cognition.

That means I have officially joined the scientific community by passing through the gauntlet of the peer review process.

She (my advisor) told me that my loving wife should take me out for dinner to celebrate... but we'll see.

I. Am. Super. Excited.

Soli Deo Gloria!

Dry Docked

2008-03-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

With much thought, I have decided to suspend activity on the blog for a while. It will still be here, and may even receive a few random updates every once in a while. But, as you may have already noticed, I just don't have time to keep up with it. There are lots of other things tapping in to my writing abilities right now, some you know about and some you don't know about. The stuff you know about is my work on my prelim exams. Just to be absolutely clear, the prelim exams are the refining fires in the crucible of graduate school. Once I come out on the other side of them, I will be a genuine expert in my field. The trouble is, they are so all-consuming, I barely have time enough to feed, clothe, and dress myself during the day on top of a two hour commute, an entire lab to coordinate and manage, students to teach, classes to take, and a wife and a new puppy at home to spend time with.

As for what you don't know yet, I can't really talk about it. Let's just say a collaborative writing project has been presented to me that is tapping in to all the dark visions that have haunted my mind since I was a child. I finally have an outlet for some of my more twisted creations and ideas, and I'm able to apply them in a way that will, ultimately, be productive. I'm not going to say any more than that, but I'll let you know when I can.

Well, perhaps just a little bit - holding a sample copy of a book in your hand that has your name on the cover is an intoxicating feeling.

And no, I can't tell you what it's about yet. It isn't finished, and it won't be for a long time.

However, it has helped me crystallize some of the things I want to end up doing with a few writing projects that I've been nurturing for a while.

In summation, I just don't have the energy to spend on a blog right now. Perhaps that will change in the future, but for right now, I'm putting this blog on hiatus. In time, it will eventually wake up again. And feel free to keep checking back. You never know when I may get the urge to post something. For now, however, the Fighting Temeraire will be dry docked until I need it to sail out upon the dark waters of the human condition once again.

And when that time comes, we will be accepting passengers.

Until then, this is Raoul the Destroyer, captain of the Fighting Temeraire, signing off.

Distortion

2008-01-29T12:09:00.000-08:00

The new year is passed. The semester has begun. And already, I am swallowed whole by my work. I am not only running projects in the lab, but I am the full-blown lab manager this semester.

On top of that, I've begun work on my prelim examinations. I thought I would be able to finish them this semester, but the work is so sprawling that I will have to take the exams the first few weeks of the Fall 2008 semester.

Eastern Washington is drowning in snow right now. And I do mean drowning.

Oh, and we got a dog. We'll post pictures of him up at some point on one of our blogs or facebook pages.

That's about it. Beyond that, I don't have much else to say. I'm spending all my time and energy on my work right now (and driving back and forth from home and work). Blog posts are now on a "whenever I feel like it" basis. Don't be surprised by lengthy lulls.

Death

2007-12-04T23:19:00.001-08:00

Now begins the worst time of the year.

On this and next week's itinerary:

Write and administer final two lectures
Obtain class evaluation reports
Complete three final statistics assignments
Complete massive statistics final project
Write history of psych paper
Study for history of psych final exam
Take history of psych final exam
Write and administer final exam for my own class
Get last two members on my prelims committee
Get all four reading lists finalized/locked down so I can start studying/reading for prelims

Next semester:

Take prelims
Destroy universe

Conference Season

2007-10-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

Not long now until I make my annual trip to the Psychonomics conference. This year it's in Long Beach. I've never been to California. This should be interesting.

Our lab is grinding hard on running participants. We have nearly thirty (30) timeslots signed up this week to get to our target sample size (n = 20). With the overkill, and the fact that we really only need ten more participants, I think we'll make it. Of course, the overkill is because we need to grab a few extras for a control study that is missing four good participants, and also to account for participants not showing up. Like today. Where my two morning timeslots did not get filled.

Up next, after all the data has been collected, we will analyze it and create a poster to display our findings. Then we'll print it off and hop on a plane to Long Beach, show the findings for a few hours in a hotel conference room, then collapse in exhaustion.

Did I mention that on top of all of this, I have to run a psychometrics project (specifically, I need to collect data to use in an Exploratory Factor Analysis), give a third exam to my class, assemble a prelim committee, and stay afloat in the literature so I can sound halfway intelligent to the throngs at psychonomics?

Yup. Just another typical November as a grad student.

The Defense

2007-09-17T22:26:00.000-07:00

Let me begin this post by congratulating my brother Vivaquijote and The Squirrel on their recent engagement! JJ and I are very happy for both of them, and can't wait for them to actually set a date. :)

Having said that, let me dig in to the promised details of the thesis defense.

I've let this soak in for a few days deliberately, primarily because I was so exhausted afterwards that I slept for half a day and could barely cobble together a single higher brain function to butter my toast much less write an in-depth blog post about what happened. However, the brain freeze, or "thesis brain", as some have called it, has passed, permitting me to prattle on about what transpired.

Before digging deeper, you have to understand that a Masters Defense can best be compared to a cookout, where you can invite as many guests as you like but only three of them are allowed to really eat anything, and when they do eat they are obligated to tear apart what you set before them in the efforts of finding out just how good of a cook you are. Then, to test you, they push you to cook on your feet without much preparation and with a limited selection of ingredients. They see how long it takes before you burn something, and then when you do (because you will, no matter what) they give you pointers on how not to light your food on fire the next time.

That would be an accurate description of what happened. JJ was able to attend (and mercifully brought breakfast), along with one of my undergraduate Research Assistants (RA's). My three committee members listened patiently as I went through the oral presentation of my results, which lasted about 20 minutes. Once I was finished, my chair (my advisor is the chair of the committee) opened the floor for questions.

In other words, she rang the triangle bell and hollered "Feeding Time." The committee members then proceeded to "dig in".

I was completely unable to answer the first barrage of questions at all, questions like "how does this evidence relate to intention" and "you're essentially using a null result to prove something" and "what statistical measures would you use to better bolster this argument" and my personal favorite, "when calculating effect size, what goes in to the denominator?" My tongue-tied state was largely due to a massive, ill-timed case of brain-freeze, and I sort of stood there like a gaping moron staring up at the ceiling with a scrunched up face as I muttered "ummm" and "hmmmm" and finally the defeated "I'm sorry, I don't know." At one point (during my "favorite" question), I was able to say all those things at once by uttering a rather direct, descriptive monosyllabic response - "crap."

However, the questions moved beyond the unanswerable and the mathematical and on into the theoretical, which I was able to answer quite well. And from there, the committee began discussing the work rather passionately and excitedly on their own merit, and went on for such a long time that I just took a seat and let them hash it out on their own. One of my committee members noticed this, and chuckled about it, saying "You did the smart thing - you got your committee talking so they'd leave you alone."

We all got a good laugh out of this, but that didn't change the fact that I felt like I had bombed the first half of the question and answer section. However, as I was reminded later on by my advisor, the more intensely they prod you about your work is a reflection upon the works quality. They grilled me hard because they really, really, really liked it.

And they started telling me that they really, really, really liked it right after the joke about me sitting down. They explained to me that the reason they drilled me so hard is because this was the cleanest, most solid thesis that they had seen in a very, very long time.

I was then excused from the room as they voted, then called back in to handshakes, smiles and the news that they had passed me without any revisions needed for the copy to be turned in. Now, for the publication version, I need to add some information about effect size measures to block any criticisms from that angle (which I took care of today). But beyond that, I can print and submit to the main office without any second thought.

After that was done, my wife took me out for a delightful lunch, and then later on my advisor took me out for a nice early afternoon dessert.

Earlier today, I ran in to the committee member that had opened the question and answer section with a volley of inquiry that I was unable to answer. He told me that he was very impressed by my performance, and he said that if he had to assign me a grade, he would have given me an A+.

I was floored and relieved.

Thanks be to God for granting me the opportunity to do things like this and the ability to finish them well!

The Deed is Done...

2007-09-14T12:20:00.000-07:00

... and I passed. :)

I'll post more details later. In the meantime, I need to go teach. :P

Not long now...

2007-09-12T12:43:00.000-07:00

The thesis is finished, the presentation is ready (and sounds very good, according to my advisor), and the clock is ticking.

Not long now.

The wife will be coming up to witness the defense. I'm glad she'll be there to see it.

Just a note to those who have my phone number - to anyone who thinks it would be nice to give me a call on Friday morning to wish me luck - DON'T. I will be so deep in preparation that I won't have the patience for a ringing phone. Plus, if I forget to turn it off, that would be bad. And don't call the wife, either (just in case she forgets to shut her phone off). Leave us be until this process is finished. If you like, you can call to well-wish on Thursday night, or wait to call us until after the defense is over (it will begin at 8:30 a.m. Pacific time and end at approximately 11:00 a.m. Pacific time, or 10:30 to 1:00 p.m. Central time).

Until then, I'm going to practice the talk once a day and reread as much as I can stand.

It will feel so good to have this done.

Thesis News / Off to Seattle

2007-08-31T15:39:00.000-07:00

Well, my Masters Thesis is finally done. And I will be defending it September 14th, bright and early in the morning.

Of course, this means that I will basically be out of the loop for the next two weeks as I prepare my talk, reread the thesis, and get ready for the defense itself.

But before that happens, the wife and I are off to Seattle for an extended weekend of hanging out and relaxing. JJ will be meeting up with a cadre of her old PT classmates while I'll be crashing and hanging out with Mothergoat. For both of us, it will be some much needed R&R - it has been a stressful, busy couple of weeks, and we need a freakin' break.

More when we get back.

First day as an instructor

2007-08-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

I taught my very own class for the first time ever today.

And I scared the crap out of them.

No, seriously. I was the death-bringing instructor from the bowels of Hell.

The best part is that I didn't even realize this, as they actually responded to questions when I asked them and a few even came up to me to talk to me once the class was done.

I started out by just standing in front of the room with my arms crossed and stared them down until every last one of them (all 130) were quiet. Yes, I silenced an entire room by just standing there and looking authoritative. It's an old psychologist trick. And it really, really worked. I even heard one of the students say to me, "WOW... how did you DO that?" I just smiled at him.

And then started to talk.

That's when they got scared.

My office mate was passing out syllabi for me, and she couldn't help but chuckle a little, because, according to her, "When you project your voice, you sound very, very angry."

And I did.

And they listened.

Oh, did they listen.

In the teaching textbook they gave us, they advise new instructors that it is easier to "lighten up" than it is to "tighten up" during the semester. So I decided to bring the hammer down now, then loosen up as the semester moved along. So I dropped the hammer. I drilled my exam policy into their heads with near violent force ("If you do not notify me within 24 hours of missing an exam, you will not be allowed to retake it and you WILL get a zero!) and even used a few visual aids (when I was telling them what would happen if I ever caught them cheating, I tore the syllabus I was holding in half, told them that would be the first thing they would hear, and they would then get a zero after being asked in a not-so-polite manner to leave the class - no exceptions).

The funny thing is that I actually feel a little bad for them. Could it be that now that I have the ability to actually destroy a room full of fragile young minds, I feel pitty? Compassion? A desire to use well the sacred trust I have been given as their instructor?

Nah. On Wednesday, I'm going to make them stand up and repeat things in unison. I think that will be fun. ;)

Yes, I'm still here. Somewhere.

2007-08-16T18:32:00.001-07:00

I know it's been a while sine the last update, but as you might imagine I've been very, very busy.

The latest news: The Wife and I recently went back to Kansas for her Grandfather's funeral and her sister's wedding. It was a bittersweet experience, to say the least. The upshot is that I really feel welcomed and accepted in her family now, and felt completely comfortable with them.

In other news, work on the Master's Thesis proceeds apace. I just recently finished a draft of the abstract - one of the last things you write for a thesis. Happily, this means that we are getting close, but we aren't quite there yet.

The Wife and I are tinkering about with the house still. Boxes continue to litter the floor, and various pieces of machinery have decided to start working poorly or stop working altogether (The air conditioner in the first case, our cable modem in the latter case). I am settling in to my routine of driving up to Pullman every day for work. It isn't easy to drag myself out of bed at six (the closest I've actually come has been 6:30, and that was only one time), but happily that is the hardest part about the drive. The rest is rather enjoyable. The Palouse has turned a beautiful golden color and the combines are out doing thier part in the harvest.

Next week, I begin teaching classes. This weekend, we take a brief trip to Missoula with some friends to find out what people do in Montana for fun. And, in a few weeks, Halo 3 comes out. Hopefully, I'll have my thesis done by then. If not... well, I'm afraid the Covenant invasion of Earth will have to wait. Science beckons, and she is a jealous mistress.

As the hazy fugue of Summer looses its power, I look back with mixed feelings. We saw a great many strange and wonderful things happen in these past few months. The best? Seeing my woman walk down the aisle and knowing without a doubt in my heart that I had made the right choice, and that I would be overjoyed to spend the rest of my life with her. The worst? Seeing myself through the eyes of those who know nothing about me. At least, not anymore.

Still, it was a beautiful thing to lie next to my woman in the dark of the night, feeling completely satisfied and at peace. It was reassuring to stand with my brothers - in blood and in spirit - in a certain parking garage and propel packaged meats at a concrete wall. It was sad to learn that our most recent dinner at Molly's wound up being the last any of us would ever have there, but at least it went out on a good note. And it was strange waking up to the early morning to see a clown standing over my bed with a sharpened knife in one hand and a severed monkey head in the other.

I mean, I had thought that the clown repellent we installed was working, but I guess I was wrong.

Ok, that last part didn't happen.

But everything else did.

And for that, I thank God.

Post-Wedding Roundup

2007-07-03T13:00:00.001-07:00

Ok, so it's been a very long time and the wedding is long over. "Where are the pictures?" They're up - on facebook. "How was it?" Wonderful. "How was the honeymoon?" Fantastic. "Where did you go?" Vancouver and Victoria - go google them. Very pretty.

"What have you guys been up to?" Planning a reception out here in WA, consolidating our belongings, getting my wife's name changed, and the like.

"Why haven't you posted in a while?" Um... because I just got married? Hellooooooooo...

"Will you be posting again regularly?" Not for a while. I have a lot of demand currently placed on my writing abilities, and I need to funnel them elsewhere... i.e. onto my Master's Thesis, and on to a few special side projects that have been stewing for a while.

So that's the skinny. Thank you to everyone who came (you know who you are), and if you want to see pictures, look up the wife on Facebook. She's drowing in them. :)

It's been a while...

2007-06-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

... and there's been so much going on, I haven't had time to blog. Or the desire to blog. Or the energy to blog. Or... well, you get the idea.

We're getting married next week. And we're caught in the "last minute whirlwind" as I get moved out of my place in Pullman, as we get all the last minute things done, and as we sort out the appartment and try to find places to store all our stuff.

Because we're so busy, there will not be another post for a very long time. When I get a chance, I'll be back with an update.

He is risen...

2007-04-09T11:25:00.000-07:00

... He is risen indeed!

Easter has just passed, and it was a wonderful time of reflecting upon that which cannot be understood - how Christ was raised from the dead by the power of God.

My pastor delivered a wonderful sermon about the resurrection yesterday, concentrating on how the resurrection is not something we ought to trivialize by comparing it to the signs of the spring season. The comparisons to eggs hatching, butterflies emerging from their cocoons transformed, life reappearing, and all the other images of rebirth are, quite simply, too frail. No, we cannot properly understand the resurrection through those comparisons.

Nor can we understand it properly when we think about it. It makes us uncomfortable. It troubles us. We can't really penetrate it with our minds. And, as someone who loves to know and to understand, that troubles me.

But I am comforted by my pastor's reminder that if the resurrection were something that could be understood by the human mind, then it wouldn't truly be as life-changing as it is for the Christian. If we could explain it, could understand it, then it would lose all of its power. But it escapes our grasp, and it always shall.

I have been reading through the gospel of Matthew these last few months, and I've been paying close attention to the way Jesus addressed the crowds, treated the downtrodden, and interacted with his friends, family, and enemies. As always, I come across a few things that He says and does that... well... bother me. Really, really bother me.

Whenever I read the gospels, I fully expect to be bothered or offended by something Jesus says. I know that if I'm not, then I'm probably not reading them closely enough. I can't put my finger on it. I can't exactly tell you what about the things He says and does bothers me. But I am glad of it. I need to be bothered. I need to be unsettled. I need to be confronted with where my thoughts and ideas deviate from His teaching. And once made aware of the deviation, I need to correct myself. And I am glad to do so... though it is not always easy.

Then there's reading about the crucifixion. I never know what to do, what to say, how to react whenever 3:00 p.m. rolls around on Good Friday. I want to gush, I want to be silent, I want to thank Him, I want to hide in a corner... and sometimes I wish I felt something, because like the resurrection, I just cannot really grapple with what happened. I know I ought to respond somehow, but I can only kneel and beg God's forgiveness for not knowing what to say.

But my pastor's words gave me great reassurance regarding my offended sensibilities, my inability to understand the resurrection, and my revulsion and confusion over how to respond to the resurrection.

Men and women, throughout the 2,000 year history of Christianity, have devoted their lives to living out proper responses to these things. And they all struggled with it. It was never easy, never clearly held in their minds, never fully understood. Even the Apostles had a rough time of it, sometimes tripping over their own words, sometimes acting in a manner contrary to what they believed. But they pressed ever onward towards the prize - the hope that at the end of all things, when we stand before Him and give our account, He will say "well done, good and faithful servant!" And that He will remember us, there in His kingdom. If we, the failing sinful who believe in Him, are in the company of the likes of the Apostles in our struggles, our doubts, and our failings, then we are in good company, indeed. "When I am weak, then I am strong."

In other news, I have finished data collection AND analysis for my Master's thesis. That means I only have to finish writing it up, and then it's done. We will defend at the beginning of the Fall semester, giving me all summer to plan my presentation and to work towards getting the paper itself published.

In the meantime, wedding plans proceed apace. The travel agent we considered turned out to be... less than helpful... so we will be planning our honeymoon ourselves. Beyond that, I have had little time to poke my head outside of the lab to see the world beyond.

Grad Student Mouth

2007-02-22T09:40:00.000-08:00

What have I been up to recently? Well...

I recently presented a poster (brief research summary) at a research expo here. Huzzah for another line on the vita!

Stats labs are going well. This batch of students seems to be having a harder time getting some of the concepts, but so far no one has asked me what the x and y axes are, so that's a good thing.

Data collection for my masters proceeds apace. We've had a lot of "bad participants", so I'm having to run as many as possible to reach my target sample size of N = 20 for the second experiment. Hopefully I'll be done with data collection before Spring Break, because afterwards the quality of participant really turns to crap.

Went out to dinner recently with a prospective new grad student. It was fun to be on the other side of that fence. :) Also, it was great to have dinner with the guys from the experimental program. I forget sometimes that we're a like-minded group of people all interested in mostly the same things, so it was fun to rediscover that.

I've been addicted to Brand New's latest album, The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me. It would have been a shoe-in for Album of the Year if I had only discovered it before 2006 was over.

I've been enjoying Xbox live immensely. I've even had a pseudo lab meeting over a game of Gears of War with my labmate Mr. Clean (that's his gamertag AND an accurate physical description of him).

Still haven't found a Wii, but at this point I really am not thinking about it too much. I'll start looking again perhaps after Spring Break. I still haven't seen one anywhere yet, but no worries. I want to enjoy just having the Xbox 360 by itself for a while longer. :)

I've been diving more deeply into my article readings recently. After running an experiment in this field, things I didn't quite get before are suddenly clarified. Yup... after a year and a half, I still love my job.

Wedding plans are... well... wedding plans. They're getting taken care of. JumpingJayhawk has been pretty stressed by work recently, so a lot of the wedding stuff has been pushed to the back burner of both of our minds. We just have this general idea that it's going to happen sometime in the near future. :)

Finally, I'm planning on heading out to Seattle near the end of my Spring Break week to see Mothergoat for a while and just to break away for a bit. I always enjoy the company of good friends, and it helps to talk face to face with people who don't crack statistics jokes and attempt to operationally define every facet of human behavior once in a while... it keeps me from getting a case of "Grad Student Mouth"

And just FYI, "Grad Student Mouth" is the condition in which a person loses the ability to engage in conversation without couching it completely in the professional language of his or her field.

An example of "Grad Student Mouth" as contrasted with the responses given by a normal person:

Normal Person Question: "You're in a good mood... any reason why?"

Normal Person Response: "I'm feeling lucky today!"

Grad Student's Response: "I'm feeling lucky today, though I am aware it is an illusory affective conclusion because my top-down processing components are giving me a pleasing ego-centric interpretation of the electromagnetic sensations my primary visual cortex is decrypting that is largely biased by the fundamental attribution error. This is supported by several experiments that indicate top-down processing components can largely influence bias on the grounds of the context in which information is presented. Seeing as I have recently experienced several positive events in my life, I believe that my cognitive processes have been biased towards the assumption that things will invariably turn out in my favor, which I understand to be a component of the gambler's fallacy. However, this does not change my affective state, and I am therefore quite pleased to feel as lucky as I do right now."

Yup. Grad Student mouth. The inability to answer a question simply and in terms that everyone can understand. :P

Brief Updates

2007-02-09T01:09:00.000-08:00

... because it's late and I don't want to write a lot.

Masters Thesis has been proposed. I am now currently collecting data.

I am still teaching the intro to stats labs. They are amusing beyond belief.

I have been asked to present my data at the monthly colloquium for the department. Very cool. That means that the whole department shows up to hear me talk to them for about an hour. Then I answer their questions when I'm done presenting my stuff. It's my first formal presentation in a meeting form, so I'm really looking forward to it.

And finally, an eyeless monster with a dislocated jaw hanging loosely from its twisted neck is standing in my doorway. I think it wants broccoli.

Ok, that's enough for now. Time for sleep.

(Oh, and just FYI - Norma Jean's newer album, Redeemer, is quite good.)

News Update Potpourri

2007-01-22T20:57:00.000-08:00

Things that happened to me today:

Lab rotations for the intro to statistics class began. I am currently training a group of seven undergrads to essentially do my job for me. Good stuff.

Went to the Doctor's office to get a refill on my meds. While in the waiting room, I had a profound nosebleed that didn't stop for ten minutes. The nurses brought me some gauze, so I realized that I couldn't get away without explaining the fact that I had a particular bleeding disorder called VonWillebrand's, As the result of a past surgery to remove two cysts from my sinus cavities (as some of you will remember), I had quite a bleeding episode in which we discovered said disease. After filling my script, the Doctor took a look at it and discovered that the septum was quite raw. So, he cauterized the raw areas using silver nitrate. Some of the silver nitrate spilled out of my nose, giving me a nice little booger tattoo that I have spent the rest of the day exfoliating. Hopefully, this little procedure will put an end to the bleeding problems... or not. I currently have a little bit of a blood and fluid mixture (not full-on blood) trickling out of that pesky right nostril. Hopefully, it's just the drainage from the chemical burn.

I am officially proposing my Master's Thesis this Friday in a meeting called the T1 Proposal. This is the first step in completing the Thesis itself, where my committee reviews what I plan to do, gives me suggestions and corrections, and then tells me to go out, run the experiment, and bring back the data in the form of a full and complete Master's Thesis. The T1 Proposal is a pretty big deal, and my advisor is very confident that I will do quite well on it. Seeing as we already have one full experiment complete, we hope that things will work out so I can defend my Thesis by the end of the semester... but we'll see. I've spent the last year and a half working on this, and I'm very excited to see how many good things have come out of it.

The wedding marches ever closer as we continue to bend over backwards to try and get it all set up. To be honest, I am so freaking sick of flying back to the midwest. After "Suckmass 2006", traveling anywhere just doesn't appeal to me. Funds are running thin, as are days off and my patience for airlines (that means YOU, United!). I'm content to sit through this semester as a home body, happily working on my thesis with the occasional trip to Seattle.

Oh, and I just picked up an Xbox 360. I'm now back on Xbox live if any of you want to hook up for a few rounds of Gears of War or Lost Planet. My gamertag is RaoulTD. It was nice to be able to talk to my sister long distance over the voice chat feature. It was also nice to see that I could download any number of TV shows and movies directly on to the console's hard drive. Xbox live has freaking blew my mind. Game systems have come a LONG way.

If the mind were a house...

2007-01-22T00:04:00.000-08:00

The human mind is a complex network of basic beliefs, perceptions, misperceptions, emotions, true wants, perceived wants, fears, needs, and desires. It cannot be mapped on to any one network of neurons, nor can it be understood or interpreted correctly simply by the network doctrine (the belief that networks of neural activity are critical for the understanding and interpretation of human thought and its relationship with the brain). From what we can understand, we collect information from our environment and compile it into perceptions. It's like building a house. We take from our daily experiences, sift through the ones we believe are true and reliable, and put them up as studs, layer them on as sheet rock, use them to decorate our homes and create comforting patterns that we turn into our beliefs, prejudices, ideals, and so on.

What do I mean by all of this? When we shut out the thoughts and ideas of our friends, neighbors, televisions, websites, music CD's, pastors, ministers, priests, books, even our own ill-formed ideas, the "house" that is our belief system, formed and assembled by our minds in a sequence of cognitive processes including but not limited to top-down processing, stereotype formation, and executive functions, we are left with one basic binary question that we all must answer before we can move on with our lives: Is any of this true?

When we ask that question, whether or not we realize it, we are really looking around our "house" and seeing all the places where the roof is unfinished, where the furniture is only half-formed, where there are massive holes missing from the walls, and where all the decor does not match. We know that with a simple thought, we can knock it all down. Some of us are afraid to, because, quite simply, we don't want to be without a house. And others among us happily knock it down and set about rebuilding it in a way that will make more sense and will provide better shelter - a better understanding of the world around us.

Nietzsche completely knocked down his house, leaving him with nothing: He saw the ruin and walked away. Descartes was left standing in the ruin alone, realized that he was standing there seeing the ruin, and decided that because he was seeing the ruin, he must exist and could therefore set about building a better house. Aristotle carefully dismantled the house piece by piece, wrote extensively about each piece, and laid them each out on the lawn while drawing out a diagram of how they all fit together. He never set about rebuilding the house. Plato just looked at the house and thought about how this particular house differed from what he thought the ideal Form of a house ought to be. Leibniz though the house was made of monads, Kant pondered whether or not it could be made into a law for all rational beings to build a house in such a manner, Russell and Wittgenstein broke the house down to a collection of facts about a house and stated that the house itself more or less did not exist, and the eastern philosophers as a collective whole shrugged their shoulders and either said, "It's a house, so what?" or they said, "What house?" Or they said both at the same time.

But it is Hume who, perhaps, produced the most surprising answer: When we have torn the house of our mind apart and are left with nothing but a single screaming neuron, it is there that we can begin to have faith. (Surprising, seeing as Hume was more or less an atheist.) Augustine more or less illustrated this as he underwent a systematic dissection and restructuring of his house, even to the point of tearing up his old foundation and laying down a better one.

For Hume and Augustine, the house was not really so much the important part of the equation. It is what they saw when they were standing in the wreckage of the house that mattered. For Hume, it was something mysterious and wonderful that he never quite attached to God. For Augustine, he lifted his eyes from the ruin and saw the Lord standing before him. The same was true for C.S. Lewis, Thomas Aquinas, Martin Luther, John Calvin, Francis Schaeffer, J. M. Boice, King David, St. Paul, St. John, and St. Peter.

Especially Peter.

The destruction of his house was particularly sharp. Three times the rooster crowed. On the third, the Lord looked through the ruins and stared straight at him. It ruined him (wonderfully so) forever.

We change our minds frequently. Sometimes about small things. Sometimes about very large things. For some of us, it is very difficult to trust our own craftsmanship, especially after an extensive remodeling. We know how lousy we are with a hammer and nail, so to speak, and have learned the hard way that our shoddy work cannot always be trusted. This leaves we skeptics with a great predicament.

And in that predicament, the advice of Hume becomes a Godsend, as he points us (unintentionally) back to the truth of Proverbs 3:5. "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding...."

"Skepticism is the foundation of true religious belief." In doubt, faith takes root. In weakness, true strength is born. In defeat, we find victory. In death, we find life. "My Grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."

Today, as I survey the wreckage of my own house, I am grateful for the Holy Spirit who guides us in to all truth.

2006 Album of the Year

2007-01-11T11:09:00.000-08:00

For the last few years, I have quietly been awarding one album the illustrious title of "Album of the Year", primarily for my own amusement. To be eligible for the award, an album has to have been released within the given calendar year and, quite simply, I have to like them more than any other album that was released that year. I evaluate them on their coherence and goodness as a complete and whole album - records that have one or two good songs do not make the cut. Furthermore, records that have a lot of good songs on them but just don't flow well also do not make the cut. The album does not necessarily have to do something original or inventive - all it has to do is catch my ear and keep me coming back to it over and over again.

This year, I'm happy to announce the 2006 recipient of The Fighting Temeraire's Album of the Year Award:

Break out the Battle Tapes by Wired All Wrong

Wired All Wrong, composed of former members of the bands sElf and God Lives Underwater, produced a dark, sarcastic and ornate pop rock record that is both unafraid of the pop rock sound yet keeps it from becoming trite and shallow at the same time with complicated instrumentation and catchy rhythms. Don't be put off by the fact that this may be pop music (with strong industrial influences) - this is absolutely brilliant music, and promises much reward to the listener. But why rant on. You can check them out for yourself and listen to song samples at their myspace page.

And, just for the record, here are the past recipients of the Album of the Year award, beginning with the first year I started doing this...

2004 Album of the Year: The Funeral of God by Zao
2005 Album of the Year: Vhiessu by Thrice

Check them out. They're worth a listen.

Back home in Pullman... sans luggage

2007-01-06T19:09:00.000-08:00

This has been the worst flying season ever. First, my flight out of Pullman was cancelled due to the Denver snow-storm debacle, and I had to fly home on Christmas eve. Then, my uncle lost his luggage on a one-leg flight. As in, there were no connecting flights, and they still didn't quite load his stuff on to the plane. Next, my brother's flight in to Dallas was delayed due to tornadoes in the area. Oh, and they also lost his luggage. Finally, on my way home, they lose mine.

Wow.

And we aren't done yet, either.

Bugzie still has to fly home from a wedding in a day or two, and JumpingJayhawk is flying home tomorrow. Seriously, I think the freakin' gremlins are out to get us or something.

Anyway, I'm home, I'm tired, and I'm cranky. I have ordered pizza and will spend the rest of the next 12 to 17 hours eating, sleeping, and watching Dead Like Me season 2 (19.99 at best buy right now!).

My next post will be to announce my album of the year award. I'll explain all that when I get around to it.

Until then, think of trombones on fire.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-25T16:33:00.000-08:00

As usual, I reccomend reading Luke Ch. 2 tonight. I will be. :)

In the meantime, I'd like to extend a special Christmas greeting to the Fiance. I miss you honey, and just remember, this is the last Christmas we will spend apart from each other. See you soon, and I love you.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Unless the Krumpus comes to your house, in which case, you're freakin' boned.

Not quite home for the holidays

2006-12-21T16:48:00.000-08:00

So I'm back in Pullman instead of on a plane to Tulsa. Why? Because of the massive snowstorms that completely shut down the Denver airport. Looks like I won't be able to get home until Christmas Eve. :(

Oh, well. It gives me a little more time to spend with the fiance. :)

Anyway, I'm going to go relax. It's been a busy day.

Massive Storm Hits Seattle - Mothergoat and Dr. Cox are OK

2006-12-15T12:43:00.000-08:00

I'm posting this here for the benefit of people who know Mothergoat and Emily and are in our blog ring but may not check the Goat Herd forums regularly.

As you may know, a really, really big storm blew through the Washington and Oregon coasts last night, causing a hell of a lot of destruction. I got in touch with Mothergoat earlier via cell phone. He and Em are OK. No harm, no damage to their place.

Power is out all over the city. He's at work right now with about 25% of the staff just trying to figure out what to do. They're saying it could take a week to get their power up and running, so he won't be on the boards.They only have their cell phones to communicate but no charger access since the grid is down (so if you have their cell #, be sensitive to their battery life). There is a LOT of damage. Power poles, not just power lines, are down everywhere. The damage is MASSIVE. Check out the news articles to get an idea of how bad it is. Trees fell in their parking lot and one actually fell on a townhome across the street. Emily's boss's car AND house had trees fall on them. Em is still going in to work to fill prescriptions as long as they have daylight, but Mothergoat is pretty much stuck, seeing as his work sorta needs power to do anything. So, the bottom line: They are definately ok, but are kinda "marooned" without power.

I'll post updates if they check in with me (depending on their battery life of the cell phone), but don't expect to hear anything from them for a while. Keep them and the residents of the PNW in your prayers, though. From what I understand, there were a few fatalities. The storm didn't just hit the coasts - it hit the east side too, and I haven't even checked to see what the damage is like here yet. I'll post more as I hear it.

Crunch Time... Again

2006-12-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

Well, it's that time of the semester when I drop off the face of the planet and try to wrap up my academic work for the semester. As a result, don't expect an update for a week or two... mostly because I won't really have the energy to post anything.

Quick mini-updates:

Still can't find a Wii...
The Fiance went to a conference in San Francisco over the weekend. She's getting back tonight.
Two presentations this week. Lots of work to be done.
Snow on the ground. More on the way.
I'm about ready to kill my CD player - it skips on every disc I put in now.
Wedding plans are going well.
Ninjas abound.

That's all for now. I'll write more when my brain doesn't have fifty things sitting on it all at once and I have more resources to devote to verbal communication.

Conference Results...

2006-11-20T22:19:00.000-08:00

... GREAT SUCCESS!!!

The conference went VERY well! All kinds of massively good things happened, including a super-awesome poster presentation, a chance to reconnect with people from my old labs back at KU, and a ton of positive feedback on my research (from people who are well known names in my field, too - Soli Deo Gloria!).

I'm back in Oklahoma now, enjoying some much-needed downtime and missing my hot super-sexy woman fiercely. She'll be here Thursday for Thanksgiving, so I'm counting down the days. Missed her like crazy during the conference.

In gaming news... Tulsa, Lewiston, and I'm guessing Moscow are all sold out of the Wii. So I gotta wait until they restock. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Oh, well. I'm home now, I had an awesome time at the conference, got to spend a lot of quality time with my advisor, got to read Anansi Boys (Neil Gaiman's second novel set in the American Gods universe - a must read!), Mom made a huge batch of fudge, and the Big Lebowski is on TV right now.

Yes, the dude abides.

And the dude is content.

Oh, just FYI, if you want a reprint or a copy of my poster, just email me. This offer is only open to those who actually know who I am and already have my real email address.

Thank God that the Sabbath was made for man, and not vice-versa... because I'm really enjoyin' the crap outta this Sabbath break I'm taking right now!

Gone Conferencin'

2006-11-15T12:33:00.000-08:00

I'm off to my first research conference, where I will be presenting my data. I picked up my presentation poster at Kinko's earlier today, and I was as excited as a kid on Christmas.

Isn't that terrible? Look how badly Grad School has warped my mind! I get excited over hypothesis tests, standard error bars, and freshly-printed research posters.

It was a very good feeling to finish up the poster and to have my advisor stop me before I walked out of her office, deliberately shake my hand and tell me, "Congratulations! This is the best draft of a presentation poster I have ever seen!"

So, yeah. I went home and crashed last night, very brain-dead and tired, but happy.

Anyway, I'll let you guys know how it went. Don't expect an update for a while, though. I'm not there yet!

Answers

2006-11-09T09:51:00.000-08:00

So, a bit to my disappointment, I have received only a handfull of questions. As promised, here are the answers. They are a bit truncated, but that is because I am quite short on time.

La Ardrilla asks:

ok. here goes a question. what about the idea that we are both inherently evil and inherently good? except for evil clowns, of course :D

In short, I don't put any stock in to it. While I believe we were created for a good purpose, I believe we have become something inherently evil. According to one approach to the problem, evil is a perversion of something originally good. If the universe was initially created as a good thing, and evil has come to exist in that universe, and God did not specifically create anything in a state of evil, then evil has to have come from things that were once good. By that logic, evil must therefore be some sort of perversion of goodness. As a result, the overall nature of a thing can be evil, but that does not mean it cannot be used for good or is capable of doing good things.

Bear in mind, that is just one approach to the solution to the problem.

ida asks...

philosophy question... why have i lost all faith in humanity?mental question... why do some of the smartest people in the world lack complete and total common sense?religious question... can a man be both violent and gentle, portraying God in both.

Answer the first: You have lost all faith in humanity, in my opinion, because you are a reasonable person who has made a clear assessment of human nature.

Answer the second: Intelligence is not the same thing as wisdom. Knowledge is not the same thing as understanding. Having a tool is not the same thing as knowing how to use that tool.

Answer the third: Yes. I personally believe that violence can serve a good function. In some situations, violence can become a viable and rational option, such as protecting yourself or your loved ones from someone who has the intent to kill them and refuses to listen to reason. In that case, it would be better to break his arm rather than talk things through with him. After he has been forcibly disarmed, then we can try to "talk things out with him." I agree with C.S. Lewis when he says "I am not a pacifist." However, I believe that we must use the right tool for the job in the right way at the right time - violence is not an appropriate solution for all problems.

So, yes, I believe you can be a good, Godly man and still use violence, but bear in mind that a good man, according to Aristotle, will do the right thing for the right reason at the right time in the right way and to the right extent. It takes wisdom to guide us in the use of such tools, and wisdom emphatically cautions us about violence.

Tracey asks...

here is a question for you.. maybe you can have your M&D email me back with the info... how does one get from their parents place in [location deleted] to your M&D's new place down the road from them????

Um... you ask them for directions?

Less Frequently Asked Questions

2006-11-01T23:55:00.000-08:00

These are some questions that I'm only asked every once in a while, and a few that I'm not ever actually asked at all.

1. You really don't think all people are evil, do you? I mean, how can you have absolutely no faith in humankind?

Of course I don't. The price of sanity in a world like this is that you have to square up to some awful truths, one of them being that people are not inherently good. I have absolutely zero faith in humankind to work through their own problems. My belief in God has helped me come to terms with this belief, as it is not an easy one to hold all the time. Do I think people are capable of doing good? Certainly. Do I believe that people are evil all the time? Sort of.

2. Wait, so if you don't think people are good, who are you to say that? Do you think you're better than other people?

Nope. I'm just as warped, sick, twisted, perverted, and evil as any other person on this planet. I believe that we need to come to terms with it and move on. As a matter of fact, I don't think you can genuinely start to do good in this world until you confront the fact that people aren't good. Once that's done, I think it becomes easier to see the hand of God at work in the world.

3. I'm really not comfortable with you thinking I'm not a good person.

Well, I don't. Deal with it.

4. I'm going to go cry now.

You do that. See if I care. Seriously, I'll sick the evil clowns on you.

5. What do you think about the possibility of being able to stop time in order to get more work done in a day?

I think it would be a fantastic idea, but it would present a few problems. Seeing as we cannot really stop time (which would require more energy than is likely present in this universe - suffice to say, it would be an incalculable amount), the best we could settle for is the ability to move at the speed of light. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, a person moving at light speed would perceive the rest of the world moving around him as going very, very, very slowly. So slowly, in fact, that it would seem that things had come to a complete standstill. Some very small changes in the environment over time would be the only indication that any movement was occurring at all.

While this would seem like a good solution, it presents its own unique problems. First of all, interacting with common objects would be incredibly hazardous. The amount of friction generated by a person moving at the speed of light coming in to contact with a surface that was not also moving at that same speed would most likely generate enough heat to vaporize whatever object they touched. This would completely eliminate the possibility of getting any work done at all, as you would just torch whatever - and whomever - you came into physical contact with.

In addition to the vast amounts of heat generated by friction, the sheer force of a person grabbing and moving a common static object at the speed of light would be enough to rip even the most basic objects apart with ease. Something as simple as plopping down on the couch could completely crush it.

Finally, there's the even bigger problem of the rate of gas diffusion. As we've already discussed, being active in an environment while moving at light speeds would be extremely dangerous to objects and other persons in the environment. So, what about "jumping to light speed" while already lying down on the couch to take a nap? Not even that would be a viable option for the simple fact that you would need to breathe. Inhaling and exhaling at light speed would produce massive amounts of carbon dioxide that would not necessarily have time to diffuse into the atmosphere enough to keep the air immediately around your head from becoming toxic. Falling asleep on the couch while moving at light speed, in fact, could be a death sentence. In order to obtain fresh gases without having to wait on the air to naturally diffuse the carbon dioxide away would require movement, and lots of it.

So, therefore, while the idea may seem appealing, it would probably just turn out to be a massive disaster. And this isn't even bringing up the issues of the impact such rapid movement would have on your metabolism, on the basic effects of the friction and force upon your limbs, and the even more dreadful "World full of statues" effect.

6. Um... what's the "World Full of Statues" effect?

The comic book writer Alan Moore once commented on the frustration The Flash must face on a daily basis. Here's a person who moves so quickly that if he gets going fast enough, he is able to actually see in to other dimensions that are moving faster than the eye can perceive. And moving at that speed is his natural state. Think about this for a minute: he has to slow down, almost to a molasses-like crawl by his standards, just to experience the things we see every day. To him, we're a world of statues that periodically move, and if he slows himself down enough, he can actually interact with us. Can you imagine how frustrating that must be, to have to speak ultra-slowly to everyone, to have to stand still for what may seem like days, even months, just to be seen by another human being? That is the "World Full of Statues" effect. By that reasoning, The Flash had to be the loneliest superhero alive, never really able to interact on an equal level with anyone.

7. Wow. That makes me kind of want to give the Flash a hug or buy him a "Sorry you move faster than everyone and are so lonely" Hallmark card.

I don't think they make those.

8. I know. I was just trying to be nice.

Good for you. Two points.

9. That's another thing... what's the deal with the "points system?"

It was started as a random game with some of my old friends from KU. Whenever one of us said something cool, we would give that person an appropriate amount of points. Whenever someone said something stupid, or whenever a certain Cubano-American friend of mine from Wichita said anything at all whatsoever (you know who you are, and minus eleventy billion points because I know you're going to do that whole "awwwwww" thing when I do it) , we would take points away from them. That's pretty much it.

10. Seriously, who is Steve?

"Steve" is just my current perseverative catch phrase. For a long time it was "death". I think Steve is a bit better. In a lot of ways, I really mean "death" when I say "Steve", except "Steve" is a lot more fun to say.

Seriously, I think it's the funniest name in the English language. It always throws people off when they say hello to me and I say "Hi Steve" back at them. Well, except when they're actually named Steve. Then they're just like "Wow, he remembered my name!" when in reality I didn't really remember their name at all and I thought they were named something like "Ted" or "Walter".

11. Why do you like to make people feel uncomfortable?

Because there really isn't a sight on this world funnier than the look people get on their faces when I ask them to try and imagine what it sounds like to throw a baby through a stain-glass window.

12. You're a freak.

So are the evil clowns who are about to eat you.

13. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Yes, it's the first letter in the alphabet. That's not really a question, though.

----------------------------

For you, O faithful reader who hath trekked to the end of this incredibly absurd and tasteless post, I offer you this opportunity: The next FAQ post will be me answering YOUR questions -ANY QUESTIONS - from the comments section.

That's right. Me making up questions to answer gets too creepy and weird, and I just end up feeding imaginary people to the evil clowns. So if you guys want to, go ahead and ask me questions - and I mean ANYTHING - and I'll answer it (within reason) one week from today.

Why am I doing this?

Because I freakin' need some kind of amusing distraction from my work. That's why.

Ok, so ask away. Remember, this can be anything about the brain that I've been studying, random antagonistic questions, or suggestions.

Fair warning: I reserve the right to be a dick when answering. ;)

FAQ

2006-10-31T10:04:00.000-08:00

(That is, "Frequently Asked Questions") I thought I would take the time to publically answer some questions I am often asked about my blog.

1. Are you ok?/Are you doing ok?/ Your last post had us worried, we were just wondering if you are ok?

Of course I'm not ok. I'm a grad student. Graduate school is a continued experience of torture and misery that I have willfully and gleefully decided to participate in. My days are filled with research, statistics, brain regions, and pesky undergraduates who I want to maim and destroy. Plus, I hardly have time to think, breathe, or eat, much less keep my blog updated. So no, I'm not doing ok, and I couldn't be happier because I'm enjoying every minute of it. :)

2. When will you update next?

Whenever I feel like it or have the time to. See above answer for my reasoning.

3. Why do you post about so many dark/unpleasant things?

That's easy. Because if I don't, then the clowns will kill me in my sleep.

4. How seriously should we take your posts? Some of them are very disturbing.

Only as seriously as the evil clowns want you to take them... which is not at all. A general rule of thumb for reading this blog - think before you reply to/freak out over something I said, particularly if it has a fiction disclaimer attached to the beginning. Just because I write about a ghost story doesn't mean I'm depressed or having a rough time. Remember, I post here to vent a lot or just to let an idea I've been chewing on air out, and since I'm in a profession that studies human behavior - a very ugly thing - quite intensely, a lot of what I have to say is not easy on the ears.

5. Who is Steve?

Why, he's Steve, of course!

6. Why haven't you linked to my blog? I linked to yours on mine!

First, if I plan on linking to your blog, I will ask you first.

Second, internet reciprocity does not exist. Just because you link to my blog does not mean that I will link to yours.

Third, bugging me about it will only ensure that I will never link to your blog.

Fourth, the evil clowns are coming to get you.

7. Why was my comment to your post deleted/never posted?

Well, did you use my real name or the real name of any of my family members? Breaking the anonymity rule is the fastest way to guarantee that your post will be deleted. Secondly, are you posting as an anonymous user? I tend to screen those comments with a much heavier hand. Third, was your post inflammatory or offensive? That's another quick way to get it deleted. Fourth, did the evil clowns like your post? If not, then it went bye-bye.

8. Why are you so uptight about being anonymous? Other people use your name all the time on other blogs?

And I would kindly remind them that my students are internet savvy and my anonymity is the only thing letting me be open about my grad school experiences on this blog. If you do link to me, please don't use my real name.

As an instructor, I have to keep this blog anonymous for a variety of reasons, one being that I want to have the freedom to discuss my students and the things that they do. If I lose that anonymity, then there goes that freedom. I've talked this over with my fellow graduate students, and they agree whole-heartedly that maintaining anonymity is a wise thing to do. I know it irks and bugs some of you, but this is one of my limitations as a graduate student.

Opening my eyes

2006-10-21T01:21:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of other points of view. God, please help me to remember my own.

This day in history...

2006-10-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

... is surprisingly full of all kinds of odd events.

Blah

2006-09-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't updated in a while, so I thought I would update with an update about not updating.

Quite honestly, I just haven't had that much to say.

All of my creative resources have been directed towards academic things as of late, so when I get home at night I just simply don't have the juice to pound out an update to this blog. So, I typically sit there and stare at a blank screen, try typing a few things that just don't work out, then erase them.

Furthermore, when I do sit down and want to talk about something, it typically revolves around something academic I learned from an article or in class or during research. Given the extremely complicated nature of some of the stuff I work on, I just don't have the energy to put it all down in text form.

So, what I typically do is turn on the TV for a while, then go to bed.

That's pretty much it. I really just don't have much to say right now. When I do, I'll post again. ;)

Things I am Thankful For

2006-09-13T23:54:00.000-07:00

It hasn't been the best week.

I've been tired, cranky, and Grad school has been a seven headed beast lately. I had my first test this week over basics of Neuroanatomy. It went very well, but afterwards I was wiped out, and even today I still feel dead to the world.

Oh, well.

So, since I'm feeling a bit down, I figured it would be a good idea to sit down and take stock of the things I'm thankful for.

And, you know, when you think about it, there is a lot to be thankful for. So, I have compiled this list of things I am thankful for to share with all of you.

1. Pteranodon's are Extinct.

All too often, the terrible Pteranodon is overshadowed by other, more popular dinosaurs when it comes to the typical nightmare "Jurassic Park" scenario. But when it comes down to it, it's tough to not hear a T-Rex coming for you, the biggest dinosaurs ate vegetables and had the IQ's of very dumb cows, and velociraptors, though legitimate threats, were pretty much stuck to the ground.

Not so with the Pteranodon. Those frickin' lizards can fly, and they're strong enough to carry you off! On top of that, in case you haven't noticed, winged animals don't typically make a lot of noise when they're hunting something. I'm not talking about the little chirpy birds that sit around and squak at you because they have nothing better to do or they really want to be your friend but they're stupid birds and only know how to say "tweet tweet" because they lack the more complex language association areas that we humans have. No, I'm talking about owls, eagles, and other freaky quiet birds that can see for miles and fly high enough to hide in the sun so you can't see them. THAT's what the Pteranodon would be like if it were still alive today, except it would be several hundred pounds, reptilian, and hungry for man-flesh.

Just think about it. What if you were running late for work and you walked out to your car and saw a flying lizard swooping down to snag your dog? Man, you'd just let it go, wouldn't you? Or worse yet, what if you were playing with the kids at the park and you forgot to bring your harpoon gun (because we would all carry them around like crazy if those things were still alive - you know I'm right!) and a flock of those things starts picking off kids one by one. Just think of the sheer horror. Hitchcock would never have made The Birds, either. He would have just made a movie called Pteranodons, and it would have been comprised entirely of live footage.

So, yeah, I am thankful that winged reptilian death does not descend upon us from the skies. VERY thankful.

2. Chuck Norris can kick the crap out of everybody

If it came down to it, and the world was being attacked by zombie alien robot ninjas, I know that Chuck Norris would be the first guy on the front lines kicking the crap out of all of them. And the best part of it is that he would win, too. I sleep easier at night knowing he's watching over mankind with his skintight wranglers, awesome Texas Ranger cowboy hat, and can-do attitude. Oh, and he could crush a ninja warrior's head with his thighs. That's an important thing to remember.

3. Frozen Pizzas Don't Judge You

No matter what kind of a day you've had, a frozen pizza will never judge you, never tell you to shut up and leave it alone, never tell you to clean your room, and, best of all, will always be there for you with a warm reception. Plus, when you get tired of sharing your problems with it, you can eat it.

4. Dr. Pepper

Really, does this need to be explained? Just don't suck it up your nose through a straw, then snort crushed pop rocks. You will not be happy with the results.

5. I Got an "A" On A Speech About Cleaning Toilets

Freshman year at KU, in my Speaker/Audience Communication class. The assignment: Give an instructional speech to the class. The topic I chose: Cleaning toilets. Not only did I get an "A", it was one of the best speeches given that entire semester.

6. Nobody's Forcing Me to Watch Anime At Gunpoint

I really don't think we realize how lucky we are that we aren't forced to watch Anime cartoons all day at gunpoint. Sure, there are a few shows that are ok, but for the most part I can't stand the stuff. Plus, what kind of horrible society would that be? What other awful things would they require you to do at the end of a gun's barrel in a world like that? Would they make you listen to Jessica Simpson's albums end on end once a month? Would they randomly make you force-feed a penguin to a walrus? Would you only be able to shop at Saks Fith Avenue, but never have enough money to buy anything and have to endure the jeering looks of the employees as they try to find the most tactful way to throw you out of their store?

7. I don't have to round out lists like this into top ten lists, and I can just end the post whenever I want and go to bed.

Which is what I think I will be doing now.

Well, I feel better. After taking a look at the things I have to be thankful for, I can rest easier tonight, knowing that even if Pteranodon's do exist, Chuck Norris will beat the living crap out of them.

Back from Seattle / RIP Croc Hunter

2006-09-05T08:41:00.000-07:00

Well, JJ and I made it back from a nice trip to Seattle to see our dear friends and for her to get some shopping done for the wedding. Pictures are already up on Mothergoat and Dr. Cox's blog, so go check them out.

It was great to see MG and Dr. Cox again, and also really awesome to touch base with StalkingElmo, whom I haven't really seen for about a year (or more, perhaps). JJ was able to get some quality time in with her sister and "Trrreeeeenaaaahhh", which I think she really needed.

So, the trip was awesome, and we're back in our respective towns plugging right along.

On a sadder note, while playing a game of Warthog Chicken, Dr. Cox shouted from the other room that the Crocodile Hunter had died. So, once we were finished, we looked it up. Sting ray barb to the heart. What a way to go.

Part of me was surprised that I was surprised at the fact that he was killed by an animal, given his track record on that sort of thing... but that doesn't make it any less sad. God be with his family as they go through this rough time.

Quick Reply: What happened to toy trains?

2006-09-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

To answer your questions, this is what happened to toy trains:

Well, we're off to Seattle. I'm really excited to spend time with Mothergoat and StalkingElmo this weekend. Three days of man-time... awesome.

I'll update when I get back.

On The Possibilities of Collections

2006-08-29T00:21:00.000-07:00

Recently, JJ and I had a discussion about a particular action figure that I was thinking about getting (and still want to get) that she didn't (and still doesn't) want me to get because... well... just check the link and I think you will see exactly why I like it so much and exactly why she's so opposed to it.

I know that sometimes my favorite hobby drives her crazy, and I sympathize with her about that and do my best to keep it contained (at least until I can get my own office when we have a bigger house... then I'll let them expand in to another display case or so and keep them somewhere that she won't have to look at them).

And, of course, some of you may be sympathizing with her right now, thinking, "Oh, poor girl. I wouldn't want those nasty things in my house either. Raoul, you're so lucky to have a girl who even lets you own them in the first place! You'd better be treating her right!"

Believe me, I am well aware of how lucky I am to have an amazing woman like Jumping Jayhawk, who not only puts up with my collection, but went out of her way to buy me the very first (and my all-time favorite) figure in my current collection - Pickles the Sea Monster (whom comes with a severed head, mind you, and whom JJ insists is "adorable" and "If [I] ever get rid of him [she] will be super, super pissed!"). Not only that, but she doesn't really mind the aliens and the dragons and some of the monsters... she is just bugged by some of the gory stuff... specifically the Zombies. And, though I love zombies, I really can't blame her too much for being grossed out by them. I mean, hey, I love zombies, but I'm a guy, and guys like zombies (well, most of us, anyway). Again, take a look at the figure we were disputing over. I can definitely understand why she would have a problem with it.

However, I just wanted to make a very important point: It could be much, much, much worse than leaky old "Earl", there. It could even be more tasteless. Hell, it could even be way, way more expensive. In fact, there so many things out there that I could collect, but don't simply by virtue of personal taste.

Compared to other action figures collectors, I'm VERY picky about what I buy. I mean, VERY, VERY picky. There is a whole world of things out there that I could be in to, but have decided to stay the hell away from because... well... let me just show you...

For starters, I'm not in to collecting things like this Texas Chainsaw Massacre Boxed set. I don't mind certain kinds of gore, but stuff like that boxed set and other things like the Tortured Souls line just take it way, way too far, as the very act of torture is equalized with artwork. Well argued cases to support that tenuous point of view or not, I absolutely will not buy an action figure of someone being tortured. Period. I could go in to reasons why to back up my argument, but I don't think I have the time or the energy to delve in to it now... perhaps I will get in to it in a later post.

Moving on from violence to sex, I could be in to collecting tacky anime girl statuettes like this... and if I ever did get in to collecting them, someone please beat the hell out of me and leave my body in the middle of the desert so the vultures can pick my bones clean before all of my dignity is entirely destroyed. No, really... please.

The thing that pisses me off about those anime girl statues (besides the fact that they horribly objectify women, specifically underage young women) is the fact that they're super popular among action figure collectors. I just cannot understand why. Seriously. I really can't. I mean, there is no point to that awful thing apart from the obvious, right?

Now, just because I don't deviate in to collecting certain things doesn't mean I have no respect for that particular avenue. There are some directions in collecting that I think are fantastic and have really awesome products, but just aren't my cup of tea. For example, there's the genre of "high end" collectibles like these things, or massive busts like these things.

Please note the price tags and the sizes of the last two items. A LOT of collectors are moving towards these nowadays, but I just don't have the taste for them.

Here's why:

1.) I think a well done action figure looks better.
2.) a well done action figure is way, way, way less expensive.
3.) A well done action figure is much more FUN!!! :)

However, the high end collectible route is a very respectable way to go if that is your thing.

Next up, there's the world of collecting vintage toys.For example, look what one of the moderators at spawn.com recently picked up. That's right... I could be a vintage toy collector, filling my shelves with very old, VERY expensive Transformers, G.I. Joes, He-Man figures, and so on. But I don't. Why? Well... for starters, I don't think they look all that great. The primary reason I got back in to the hobby was because the sculpting on a lot of the newer figures was mind-blowing, and they were doing some really creative things. The older stuff just doesn't have that for me. Well, that, and it costs an arm and a leg. A classic Transformer, out of the box, costs around $80.00 nowadays.

On the other side of the coin, though, vintage toys have a very strong appeal to the inner child of a great many people, and there is something to be said about tracking down that long-lost childhood favorite toy. Some say "they don't make 'em like they used to" quite a bit when it comes to the newer G.I. Joe products, and I would have to agree with them there. But, still... it just isn't my thing.

Then there's the massive world of ROLE PLAYING GAMES!!! Dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!
Scroll down the thread to the pictures of the dioramas that people made for their gaming miniatures... then try to picture them completely filling a room in the house. There's just no good way to store those things. You can see, however, how much work they put in to each of those dioramas... but again, it just isn't my thing.

I could go on for a long, long time. I haven't even mentioned the Living Dead Dolls, Urban Vynil collectibles, Music Figures, Kubricks, Snap Kits, Headknockers, variant chasing, or the cult religion of Star Wars collectibles. Hell, I didn't even touch on comic book collecting (which I do in moderation by sticking to graphic novels).

Then, there is always the other direction I could go... not collecting anything at all, as JJ often suggests to me. Just think about it... a world where Raoul doesn't collect action figures.

*takes moment to picture it in his head*

I would have more room to put books on my shelves, I would have a little bit more cash (believe it or don't the hobby really isn't my most expensive passtime... that would be DVD's and CD's for five hundred, Trebeck!) and JJ would not have to deal with the little plastic monsters lurking in my appartment any more.

*shudder*

Yeek. I tried that for a few years. To be honest with you, even when I stopped collecting the first time around tenth grade and got rid of my original collection, I really missed it. I mean, REALLY missed it all the years that I didn't collect. Hell, I would wake up from dreams of running through toy stores my first few years in college. As I've said before, I am very thankful to have JJ, who would never force me to get rid of my collection.

Until then, I am sure we will continue to debate over what figures get included in that collection and which ones get excluded... and figures like Earl the zombie (seriously, I still want to get him) will continue to spark that debate. ;)

(By the way, I love you honey, and thanks for being a good sport about this.)

Prep Week

2006-08-14T11:49:00.000-07:00

Before I begin this post, I am happy to announce that Jumping Jayhawk and I have set a date for our wedding...

... June 9th, 2007. :)

Now, we just need to keep the planning train rolling and get some of this stuff in order. Now we just have to iron some things out with the reception, and start getting things like flowers and the rehearsal dinner locked in. It's getting there.

Now, on to the update of... um... the rest of life! :)

This is what I call "Prep Week." This is the week when the department "wakes up" and sets about its work of getting things ready for the year ahead. I've moved in to my new office, bought my textbooks, printed out my schedule, and started locking down my student loan information.

I also turned in an application to become a Washington resident. That means I'll get in-state tuition and save the department some money, making them very happy.

*Edit*

I just got off the phone with the Graduate School. I am now officially considered a resident of the state of Washington, and am entitled to all the tuition benefits inherent to that status. :)

*End Edit*

In the meantime, I have a lot of reading, writing, and organizing to do this week.

I've begun writing my Masters Thesis. Yes. The real deal. Once I have an intro and a methods section down in stone, I can propose. It's all coming together now, and I'm very excited and scared out of my mind at the same time.

I never really felt fear in the form of a sinking dread-like feeling at the bottom of my stomach until I came to Graduate School. All of a sudden, it's up to me to demonstrate my learning and my academic skills in activities that I largely have to structure and execute rather than showing my know-how through prestructured hoops to jump through.

And it's kind of scary.

It really is.

But I think it's healthy to be afraid like this. It keeps my edge sharp, keeps my nose to the grindstone, and keeps me on my knees constantly praying for God's grace and wisdom to carry me through.

And man, have I ever been praying a lot recently. There's a TON to do, and just not enough time in the day to get it all done.

The real battle this year will be to keep myself from allowing all my work to rob me of my times of peace and rest. I am one of those people who cannot function unless I get major downtime to just sit, relax, and do nothing. Once I have that time once a day to just be a vegetable (usually this happens in the evenings), then my batteries are charged and I'm ready to go for another day. If I don't get that time? Well, I get cranky. And I don't get work done.

Imagine that... doing nothing helps me get work done. ;)

But anyway... JJ and I did a lot of work on her new duplex yesterday. We took down old curtain rods, patched holes in the walls, drilled new holes, put new rods up... all that fun stuff. The place is really coming together. Hopefully, the cat-piss smell will go away once she gets her new carpet in... and I won't suffocate every time I walk through the door.

We're going to be co-teaching Sunday school for the high school student group with the pastor's wife this year. We're looking forward to it, as neither of us have really worked with this age group before. Well, that and we're excited that the pastor's wife shares our vision for presenting the basics of the Gospel clearly and simply so the students really have a grasp of what it means to say "Jesus died on the cross to save sinners." Good stuff.

So... yeah. That's pretty much the low-down from the PNW. Lots of things are going to be changing around here this year: New focus in my research, new people in the department, old friends living closer, new friends yet to be made, a new place to live for JJ, and the fact that I'm getting married in less than a year.

Truly, change comes with the Autumn winds as more than the leaves begin to turn their colors. Lord, help us to be stalwart to face it.

Frail Words

2006-08-05T01:03:00.000-07:00

This is one of those nights where my thoughts are so disturbing even to myself that I erase the whole post and start completely again. And believe me, this almost was a very long, long, needlessly disturbing post.

I often find great comfort, as my faithful readers may have gathered, in staring the beast of human nature straight in the eye. Perhaps when you've locked horns with it, it's easier to catch the surprises it throws at you. Perhaps not, and I am in for a great thrashing at its hands someday.

But that is not what bothers me tonight. What does bother me tonight is that sometimes the things I see in it are so disturbing that trying to articulate them leaves me with a horribly dark and despairing post that runs the length of about five pages with no clear lesson or point or resolution in sight other than what I have already made very clear and have arrived at by countless other paths already - that people are monsters.

Sometimes I can see the faded image of God stamped on that monster, and for a moment the beast is beautiful in spite of itself. Other times, like tonight, I have a difficult time in seeing any value in mankind at all, and the eyes I stare at are crowded with gnashing teeth and bloodied hands.

I have seen a great deal of evil this week, in the actions of others and in my own heart, and I am troubled by it. Part of me keeps thinking that I should be above it, but I am not. Though I labor to be a salt and a light in this world, I clumsily spill the shaker and choke the flame at every turn, the hot wax burning my hands.

I am trying my hardest to get out of the way of the Gospel, but sometimes it is difficult, as I trip over my own feet in trying to move. All I desire is to give a glimpse of the Eternal "I AM" that inspires me to live, a taste of the All-Powerful Almighty who gives a boundless Life that death cannot even lay claim to, of the unfathomable Grace that calls the most depraved and despicable and despised in all the world its loved ones and servants and friends.

In staring into the eyes of the beast, I find myself staring into my own blackened heart, and all too often become entranced with fascination. I, the morbid narcissist that I am, allow my own faults and preoccupation with my own evil (and my wicked delight in it) to blind me and distract me from my own purpose sometimes, and to you, my reader, I apologize for that.

But what troubles me more are the times when I can pry my gaze away long enough to try and say what I want to, and find that I know not how to say it at all.

How on earth can a man precisely capture the depths of darkness in the human soul and clearly illustrate with these limited words that reflect even more limited perceptions the Unparalleled Glory of God's Love in Jesus Christ calling, catching, and cradling that black, damned soul, setting it aright, and breathing Life Anew upon it?

In frustration, my frail words collapse.

"LORD, I cannot. You must."

Spooked

2006-07-31T01:45:00.000-07:00

Yet another foray into the realm of creative writing. Every once in a while, I have one of those nights where I wake up and just feel like something just isn't right. You know... when you get goosebumps and can't figure out why? Well, enjoy. Oh, and just FYI, the bit about nosebleeds is true, as is the layout of my apartment.

I locked the front door and opened a window to cool off the apartment. The recent heatwave still lingered in memory. Gladly, the night was cooler than usual.

I must have dozed off reading. I saw an empty man standing in the void, neither a part of it nor separate from it. I tried to look him in the eye, and when I did the deep opened below me. Looking in to it, I fell.

The pop and crunch of broken glass pulled me from the dark of the void and back to the earth that lay beneath it.

The bedroom door was open and the light in the kitchen had gone out.

My skin prickled.

I know I left the light on.

I pointed my bedside lamp through the door in to the kitchen. Glass twinkled on the ground, and the empty man stood over it.

In one panicked bound I slammed the bedroom door. I ripped through my closet for something long and heavy.

The bedroom suddenly felt empty. I thought it was coming through the door. It didn't. It came through the closet instead.

I awoke, again. My sheets were soaked, and I was wet and cold. A nightmare. A warm liquid began to trickle from my nose.

Rolling my eyes, I pulled myself out of bed to deal with the nosebleed. I've been having them a lot recently, probably because of the dry heat. No matter, I'm used to them.

Stepping in to the kitchen, the back of my neck prickled. One hand to my nose, I stared at the floor. Nothing. No glass. My free hand flipped the light switch. The bulb flared, blinding me as it popped and darkened. The blood running down my face pulled me out of my stare. I had jumped back into the table and was now lying on the ground. The bulb had just burnt out, not shattered. But the room was dark, and looking up from the ground at the ceiling, it seemed emptier than it had before.

I got up quickly and backed in to the bathroom. It took me a minute before I could flip the light switch, mostly because I could not peel my eyes from the kitchen. In my minute or two of fumbling, blood spilled down my face and on to my chest. I didn't feel it at the time. I was too busy staring in to the dark. My fingers found the switch, and I remembered that I was bleeding. A handful of tissues, a wet towel and several crimson expulsions into the sink and I was clean again and no longer bleeding.

I hurried back to the bedroom and the comfort of the working lamp. I settled in under the soft sheets, prayed, and closed my eyes. Problem solved.

Well, except for the fact that I couldn't sleep. Not with the door to the kitchen open like that.

I can't close it. I have to leave it open. If I don't, it will get too hot, even with the window open. I turn on the lamp and point it in to the kitchen. No broken glass.

My skin gooses up again. I try to ignore the chill. I can't. The room suddenly feels so empty.

Tension

2006-07-30T00:35:00.000-07:00

Heat tension, mostly. It's been over 100 degrees here for the past week. It broke today when the temperature finally dipped down to a cool seventy five degrees on the Palouse and a manageable 95 in the valley. Last night, the air was cool enough that I could leave the window open instead of having to rely on a fan. In the morning, I awoke to a pleasant surprise - my drapes were gently blown inward by a cool breeze from the outside. The peasants rejoiced.

Right now, I'm enjoying another night of open windows and cooler air.

Yet the effects of the heatwave linger on. A massive wildfire erupted at the west end of the valley tonight, on the south side of the Clearwater, on a ridge about a mile from JJ's old apartment. The smoke filled half the sky, as it looked like half of the canyon wall was caught in the blaze. We could hear sirens rushing about in the air as we watched the plume rise. It continued to haunt the air even as the sun went down. I am not even sure if the blaze was controlled. We are not in any direct danger, but others in the city are at risk for losing their homes as of 9:00 p.m. Saturday.

I am glad of the colder air. It makes me think of all the work to be done this semester. All of the questions to be answered. All of the experiments to be executed. All of the students to teach. All of the lessons to be learned. Fall is coming. I am excited.

It has always been easier for me to think in the Fall. For some reason, it is less of a trial for me to sit and do my work quietly when the leaves are turning. I do not know why. My Advisor and I have discussed it before. For some reason, colder air is better for the mental life. Perhaps it has something to do with the cooling of the brain, allowing it to run at hotter temperatures without overheating... or not. We honestly don't know, but we suspect that atmospheric conditions have an impact on the activity of neurotransmitters. Note: we only suspect, and that only out of fancy rather than from empirical inquiry. And by "we", I only mean my Advisor and I.

While Fall brings greater clarity and organization to my mental life, it also stirs a clarity in my passions, my dreams, and my aspirations. All of my lovely little nightmares in the stories and epics I dabble about with in my spare time seem to be more vivid, more truthful, more purposeful when the days begin to darken. Again, I do not know why. Perhaps my dreams live in the Fall, and I only get to visit them in that one season, and am left with nothing but the memory of them as the other seasons roll by. Most vivid in Fall, vivid, but less alive in winter, still clear in spring, but dead and shriveled in the heat of the Summer, when I spend most of my time dabbling in the dreams of others to stay entertained. Neil Gaiman and Matt Groening have been my victims of late, and both have proved to be substantial fare - Gaiman in his novel American Gods (which I urge you all to read) and the Sandman graphic novels, and Groening in the Futurama series.

The thing I hate most about Summer is the aimlessness about it. The heat seems to melt away all sense of direction, all semblance of structure, all sensation of clarity. The whole of the season is given to distraction, which I am the unwilling slave of.

And the distraction only grows worse in the scorching heat, when exhaustion and laziness set in (and often I cannot discern the two).

The only thing Summer is really good for, from what I can discern, is to satisfy one's wanderlust. From the helpings of travel I have received from this and last Summer, I think my thirst for a good romp about the country has been quenched for at least another year. All I want to do right now is buy a hammock and sit in it all day reading articles, writing, and reading the Sandman chronicles. Well, it's mostly that last item, to tell the truth. And watch Cartoon network.

Sadly, as a result of that overwhelming desire, work doesn't always progress as it ought to during the Summer. And when that happens, the few weeks before the first day of classes becomes tense. And I have to live in that tension right now: the tension of walking in the dying heat of the Summer as the disjointed chaos cools in to the regimented order of the Fall.

*Fire Update*

The fire is, as far as I know, out. A large portion of the canyon wall is now black. I do not know if any homes were destroyed or not.

Shotgun Update

2006-07-25T14:57:00.000-07:00

And now for a multi-topic update blast:

Wedding plans are getting there. We're looking at a weekend in June at - wait for it - Danforth Chapel. More on that as it comes together.

Work in the lab is coming along fine. I programmed a new experiment this past week, and I have two more to get loaded up before classes begin.

I should be starting my Masters Thesis sometime soon... that is, once I get over my heat induced laziness. ;)

By the way, it's super hot here right now. We've had a ton of 100 degree days, and it doesn't look like it's getting any better. :(

Mothergoat and Dr. Cox came for a visit this past week. It was great to see them both, and I'm looking forward to seeing both them and Stalkingelmo over Labor Day. :)

JJ has (mostly) moved in to her new place, and the folks are in a process of moving in to their new place.

That's about it. I'll write more when I feel more.... well... verbose.

The Amazing Screw-On Head

2006-07-17T21:48:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a handy link from scoville's website and a post on the goat herd, I got to watch the full pilot of Mike Mignola's The Amazing Screw on Head.

Everything that I think is funny is pretty much in this show. Except for ninjas. But still, I think it's hilarious.

Go watch it and help get this show aired!

Big News

2006-07-10T08:51:00.000-07:00

I asked the GF if she would marry me.

She said yes.

Here's a picture of the bling.

I am uber-excited... albeit very, very tired now. We've had a big week, and I'm planning on taking this next week off to recover from it. Plans will be forthcoming. In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be playing the gift that I got for her - if she'll let me have it... she freakin' loves this thing:

And by the way - the new Super Mario Bros. game is awesome. So is Tetris DS. We were fighting over who's turn it was to play it in the airport once we discovered the "tower" gametype.

Keep an eye on her blog... I'm sure she'll post the proposal story once she gets the chance.

Congratulations, little sister...

2006-07-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

Best wishes and many blessings to my sister and my new brother in law!

The wedding was awesome. And yes, I did cry. But who wouldn't, in my position? My sister married a wonderful man, and I couldn't be any happier for them. Or more proud. And that is why I cried.

Live from Cape Cod

2006-07-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

We're here.

And I mean ALL of us.

Viva, Valparaiso, the parents, JJ, Kelloh, Hombreguapo, Knarf, and a plethora of other people, all gathered here to see Bugsy and Bobo tie the knot on Monday. I'll be posting on and off during the week, filling you guys in on the details as wackiness ensues.

So, we all made it here safely with minimal trouble. We had a BBQ tonight, and soon we'll be enjoying some night swimming in the heated pool and some late night episodes of the Venture Bros. Well, that is, unless everyone poops out.

Knarf, Val, and Viva are a little sad that Brazil lost today to France. I mean, dang, who wouldn't be.

But anyway, looks like it's time for night swimming. More to come later.

Dog Days of... whatever the hell this season is.

2006-06-27T02:17:00.000-07:00

I think they've beat a hasty retreat. Since I laid down the traps earlier this week, I've only caught a cricket. And that doesn't merit a picture, so don't ask. Poor little guy.

But, quite fortunately, the Spider Traps haven't had any Hobo Spiders in them. This means, pretty much, that I'm good to go.

I'm going to leave them out while I'm gone over the next week or two just to catch any sneaky spidery invaders, but so far, so good!

In the meantime, Bugsy and Bobo's wedding is coming up, so I'll be out of town for a while. Again. This Summer has been loaded with travels, and honestly I'm pretty darn happy that we're going to just be staying in town for the remainder of it once we're back. I'm sick of traveling - for now - and just want some freakin' peace and quiet.

I picked up and started reading the first volume of Neil Gaiman's Sandman series, and so far it is very, very good. I'm looking forward to digging in to his novel American Gods while I'm on the plane ride over. I also picked up the new Venture Bros. DVD. If you've never seen the show, it's worth a rent. Packed with satirical goodness, I say! Oh, it's a cartoon, just FYI, of the Adult Swim category. And it's quite good.

Other than stuffing my bulging mental midsection with more entertainment, I've been working on scarfing down an article or two here and there and generally trying to find ways to keep myself busy. Not that I don't have a lot to do, of course. It's just that I'd rather do... well... nothing.

Let's face it - I'm tired. I've been running around all summer, I haven't had a real chance to sit down and get some work done, and it's starting to bug me. A lot. I think I've contracted that whole Grad Student mentality of feeling guilty when I'm not in the office working.

Oh, well. I'll be on a plane Friday. Then in Cape Cod on Saturday. I'll post updates as I feel the need to. In the meantime, I'm going to turn on a fan, go to bed, and pray that I get some mental clarity back.

Oh, and if you were hoping for a funnier update, please follow these directions:

1. Close your eyes.

2. No, seriously, close your eyes.

3. Disregard steps 1 and 2 because you can't read the rest of the directions if your eyes are closed. Just pretend they're closed. That will work just as well.

4. Picture a Badger standing in the middle of a circus.

5. Now picture a circus clown lighting the badger on fire and putting it down another clown's pants.

6. Next, picture the victim clown running around in agony as the burning badger wreaks havok on his man-parts, leaving him a hollow, dried out husk of a man. Also picture the other clowns pointing and laughing at him as this happens.

7. Finally, picture the victim clown leave the circus, joining the military, working with special forces crews, learning to kill with his bare hands, subsequently leaving the military, and then hunting down each and every clown from that blasted circus and exacting bloody revenge on each of them for their stupid little badger prank. You can imagine him also killing their families and friends if you're in to that Sopranos sort of thing, but it's entirely optional. I was going for more of a Commando-style clown massacre thing, you know, where Ah-nold puts the steam pipe through that guy and it whistles through his chest with steam coming out the other end and Ah-nold says he needs to "blow off some steam," except that with these clowns it would probably have to be done in honking noises seeing as clowns don't really talk to each-other. The whole thing could be subtitled as well, so you'd know what was going on when they honked. That way, you can understand clearly why Binky had to die, and why he won't get any mercy from our very, very, very pissed off clown anti-hero. If you're not really in to a completely morbid revenge thing, you can make it ironic where the victim clown traps the guy who did it in a room and then fills it full of burning badgers. Or, you could add a romantic end to it where the victim clown gets the girl clown at the end. Or, if you liked Tokyo Drifter, he could seem like he's getting the girl at the end, but then honks astutely, "A Drifter needs no woman." Or, if you're a realist, he could realize that he's a freakin' clown and run back to her because he'd better take anything he can freaking get or else he'll just be lonely for the rest of his life because, I mean, come ON! He's a flipping clown!

8. Then imagine the earth getting blown up by a super-intelligent race of pink flamingos.

After following those directions closely, you should be able to adequately satisfy your appetite for the random and zany that so many of you have come to expect from my posts (and if you haven't by now, then you have either just started reading or you need a little education in the way of recognizing goofiness... or you sprained your sense of humor, in which case I can't help you because that's your own darn fault and there isn't much I can do for that, but I'd be happy to bill you either way).

Raoul vs. The Spiders - Round 3

2006-06-23T02:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, Eddy came through with the spider strips and I've laid them down in open places in my appartment - one behind the couch, and one in my bedroom near the heater. We'll give 'em a few days and see what they catch.

In the meantime, a new problem has developed. I think they're on to me... and they made a move to take control of my keyboard this afternoon.

I don't know how much longer I can hold out... I just hope that the strips do their job, and get a a body count started in the next few days. It's war, I tell you! WAR!

Gaaahhh! It just scuttled under my bed! Ugh... looks like another night of sleeping in my computer chair, trembling for fear of my life.

Wigging out about freaking spiders

2006-06-22T02:34:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm kind of wigging out a bit about spiders. I just saw one crawl up my diploma and spin a web to the floor. It was kind of cool to watch. I shall name him Spinny McSpinnigan. And I shall not kill him.

Here's why.

When dealing with Hobo Spiders, it's best to just let other spiders live. They create competition for the Hobo Spider, and keep their numbers low.

So, Spinny and his other spidery friends (which have freaking overrun the corners of my appartment) shall be allowed to live. I am SO vaccuming the hell out of the corners tomorrow though, so their webs are forefeit.

Now, let me explain a bit about this current wiggfest I am actually kind of enjoying right now. It's that time of the year where spiders multiply like rabbits on the Palouse. Particularly the nasty Hobo Spider. Everybody knows about it (save for me, the dude who just moved to the PNW a year ago... MG and Dr. Cox, you paying attention?), and just goes out to buy these neat little strips that attract the agressive, poisonous little freaks and kills them. Sort of like flypaper. But yeah, apparently, they're quite the pest out here.

So, Eddy called me today and found some Hobo Spider strips he's gonna lay down at his place. I'm taking some of them from his stash, too. Yes, we're splitting a box of anti-spider strips. Yes, I know that I'm overreacting. Yes, I know it's funny. Why the hell do you think I'm blogging about it?!? Because I have a sense of humor about myself, that's why! And since Knarf isn't here to give me crap about my overreacting, then I'll just have to do it myself! ;)

But seriously, you guys didn't SEE that thing when it scurried in the door last night! I mean, I have NEVER seen a spider behave like that before! (No, it REALLY DID FAKE LEFT, THEN RUN RIGHT. I AM NOT KIDDING.) It stood on the TIPS of its eight legs. The TIPS! On its tip-toes! What the hell kind of spider does that? Then it dropped to its belly and spread out its front four legs like a dog does when it's playing with you. Then I smashed the hell out of it with my sandal.

Freaking. Creepy. Hobo. Spiders. Ever google them? Do it! Behold the horror that now grips my soul! Here, just look at this creepy picture that I drew of the whole experience! Ugh... they just give me the willies!

Still, it could be worse. My appartment could be infested with these things.

Oh, wait. That image is from my fridge. Nevermind. I'm doomed.

I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Photos of giant spiders originally taken by Prof. Hemispheres from the Spawn Message boards. I just used 'em here because they're freakin' creepy.

Squinting through a glass darkly to see the alarm clock in my shower

2006-06-21T01:46:00.000-07:00

It's another late night, and I'm having trouble getting to bed. It was a late morning earlier today, as I managed to drag my butt out of bed around noon. Seeing as the robotic alarm clock that runs away from you when you hit the snooze alarm isn't coming out for a while longer, I decided to try a drastic measure: I have moved my alarm clock in to my shower.

No, seriously.

It's sitting in my shower right now. When the alarm goes off in the morning, I will stagger in there to shut it off. Hopefully, I will be awake enough to shut the blasted thing off and get in the shower and start to wake up. If not, then one of two things will happen:

1. I will just stagger back to bed
2. I will turn the shower on without moving the alarm clock

Neither would be a good thing, but at least the second option would zap me enough to be awake.

Aside from that, I spent the night hanging out with my friend Eddy, who showed me the mockumentary I helped him create. As he was preparing to leave, a Hobo Spider scuttled in through the door and Eddy nearly jumped out of his shoes. After killing the aggressive little critter - I swear, the freaking thing tried to fake right and dodge left - he informed me that the blasted things had a bite that resulted in skin deterioration. Oh, and they were super-aggressive due to their ultra-poor eyesight. Oh, and they're super-fast on carpet. And I have their webs behind my couch and in a few corners in my house that I didn't even notice until Eddy pointed them out to me.

So, we spent the next few minutes chatting about specialized spider strips used to kill these little suckers while glancing around my apartment nervously.

That was fun. Now I'm scared to go to bed.

Freaking spiders. I'm going to get some of those strips tomorrow. See how they like that. Hobo Spiders. Geez. Creepy.

I've been listening to a lot of hard rock lately. A lot more than normal... and a lot harder than usual. I don't really know what it is. I've only listened to a handful of CD's that haven't had mostly screaming/cookie monster/death metal vocals in the past few months. I haven't exactly missed the lighter music, either. I just want something that hard right now.

It could be that I just need a sort of release from all the changes that have been happening. My sister is getting married. Two of my best friends just moved out to Seattle. We're getting ready to join a new Church. My studies are shifting more towards the self-driven research phase and more away from basic classroom work.

Or perhaps it's a culmination of all of the changes that have happened over the past year? The move, Grad school, JJ's new job, my family being so far away, making so many new friends, learning a lot about myself, and all that kind of stuff.

Or perhaps its just because that's really the type of music I enjoy the most, and I'm finding a lot of great heavy bands that I like to listen to?

I don't know. I really hate trying to peg a reason on the things that I do sometimes. Most of the time, I just want to... be.

I can already hear the Squirrel perk up her ears as she reads this in Juarez and compare my comments to Buddhism in one way or another. But the transcendence of Labels is an idea, I believe, that far predates any shred of Buddhist thought. Sometimes, things just are the way they are. No analysis of their qualities can yield any deeper insight in to their presence (or absence, in some cases) in the world around us.

In my case, I try to avoid labels simply because it means I have to spend time thinking about myself. And I hate doing that. I really, really resent it when I catch myself swimming in thoughts completely centered around me. Hell, I'm doing it right now. Why is it so much trouble to dissolve yourself from your own perception of the world so that you may simply be allowed to perceive a thing without the taint of yourself forever warping the perception? Damn this sin-soaked mind and its inadequate information-gathering organs! My desire is to genuinely see the truth, and not simply to perceive a representation of an aspect of it. I want to know in full, even as I am fully known, but until then I have to be content to see through a glass darkly.

I am continually aggravated when truth is occluded. I desperately want it to be made clear that I may know it.

And, of course, this occlusion is due to more than the limitations of our sensory organs or our brain's ability to translate the signals it receives from them. It has to do with our own desire to see and know the truth. It is not a perfect desire that we hold. It, too, like our senses, is bent by sin. In fact, many of us outright flee from the truth as if it were an enemy come to slay us. Perhaps it is. Perhaps what I have is a death wish. Perhaps I want to be run through.

Oh, bother. I've gone off and become all abstract again, haven't I? No matter. If these words make no sense, don't worry too much about it. If they do make sense, then be troubled, as I am troubled, and continue to squint your eyes to try to see through the glass more clearly.

Until we can see more clearly, I will go to bed hoping that I remember to shut off my alarm clock before I turn the water on in the shower and have nightmares about Hobo spiders sneaking in to my bed at night and biting me.

Back from Bellevue

2006-06-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

The GF and I have returned from our trip out to see Mothergoat and Dr. Cox (Matt and Emily, respectively). Most of their furniture is now moved in - a major accomplishment - and they now have plenty of time to get things done before starting their jobs.

It was great to see each other and hang out again, much like old times, except with much prettier surroundings. :)

Oh, and we did manage to find a wing place just across the street from their apartment. The wings are a different style (the spices are baked in to the skin instead of in sauce form), but they're still awesomely good-eriffic.

It was sad to go, but the major upside is that this was just the beginning of many trips to come. Having good friends in the same state again = Teh Aw3s0m3n3ss. (Thanks again for your hospitality MG and Dr. Cox!)

This week, I have a meeting with the illustrious, fantabulous Lisa (my advisor and visual attention guru) to discuss some articles, I have to get my suit tailored, and I need to learn how to breathe fire and walk on walls. All before flying out to Cape Cod to see my sister get hitched. Awesome.

Chillin' in Bellevue

2006-06-16T16:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm here. Bellevue, that it. A suburb of Seattle. Hangin' out with Mothergoat and Emily.

And man, this town is nice. And full of trees. Lots and lots of trees.

We drove out to Kirkland to see Cranky Pants Games (MG's new workplace) and to walk by Bungie studios, then hung out on the shores of the lake. Beautiful. Just beautiful.

We're picking up the GF at the airport at 7:00, then going to McCormick and Schmidt's (did I spell that right?) for dinner.

Then, tomorrow, we help them move in. Apparently, the moving company has decided to deliver their stuff TOMORROW. Awesome. Looks like JJ and I get to help them move in anyway!

Anyhoo, I'm gonna go chill. Just wanted to give everyone an update and let you know that I'm going to be out of town for the weekend.

Oh, yeah... for anyone I didn't tell, I'm going to be out of town in the weekend. ;)

More later.

Of Ghosts and Grace

2006-06-08T23:21:00.000-07:00

Something just crossed the road up ahead. I guess it was just a trick of the light. I can never really tell if the blurs in my eyes from passing cars who forget to turn off their high beams are animals or not.

It is a bright night tonight. The hills of the Palouse are lit by the semi-full moon, meaning that the drive will be fairly easy tonight. The hills are black against a deep navy sky, and the moon is so bright that rays of gentle white reach out from it.

Zao's parade of chaos album peacefully howls through the stereo speakers. A perfect night for horrors to race through your head in the dark.

Ghosts begin to touch my mind. Old friends. Old enemies. Old actions. Old mistakes. Old sins. Blood shed. Pain felt. Loved ones lost.

I blink hard. I swore I just saw something cross the road. No, it wasn't a trick of the light. It was black. Blacker than it should have been.

I muttered to myself and rubbed my eyes. It's been a long week, full of visits and visitors. Tuesday was my first day back in the office. So much work to do, so many theories to digest. But mathematics and brain regions don't keep my mind off of the lit darkness, the soft moonlight, or Dan Weyandt's sublime screams.

The mind drifts in to dark places on the open road at night, particularly when listening to music that gives an honest examination of human nature. But I am not troubled by ghosts of the past or phantoms of future events. Old ghosts are sometimes welcome guests late at night, and I doubt that phantoms, creatures wrapped in the past by definition, have any business coming to me from the future. Besides, I don't think those are the sort of ghosts I'm being visited by now on this open road.

Track 10 of the Zao album cues up, a song titled how are the weak free, that I have come to embrace as a sort of anthem to human nature.

Free the wolf
From his cage
Watch him hunt
Stalk his prey

We must
Bring him down

The grinding guitars and snarled vocals in the half-light help me see the faces of my ghosts. What haunts me on the road tonight are my own dispositions towards evil.

What kind of Christian am I, when monsters fascinate me more than saints? What sort of man could I be when I find more in common with villains than with heroes in the stories I read? How can I completely understand Ash when he says of the amoral Xenomorph, "I admire its purity," and call myself a moral man? What am I to do when the wolf within rattles the cages and gnaws at the bars and it is all I can do to keep from lifting the latch and setting him free?

The road turns, my hands turn, the wheel turns, the car turns, and my mind turns.

I pictured myself as a ghost, a drifting and lifeless vapor in the eyes and nightmares of men. To be incorporeal, to float on the wind, to pass through walls and bodies, to find dark pleasure in terrifying those who are unfortunate enough to see me. I lick my teeth, wishing my tongue would find fangs instead of molars. I stretch my hands to find no claws. No fire passes from my nostrils. All much to my disappointment.

No, I remain irrevocably human and undeniably alive.

I blink hard.

The track ends.

I hit repeat.

I'm not done with this thought yet.

J.M. Boice once said that with true spiritual maturity comes a growing awareness of our own sinfulness. At times, if this is true, I think I am maturing rapidly. I see so much darkness in my own heart and in the hearts of others around me. How can there be any good in man? If I am any sample, any representation, any indication of what we are, why are we all not damned?

Especially when I love the wolf within so very, very much.

In these dark moments, where I am face to face with the beast I am, my mind's path takes a sudden turn and leads me to an unexpected place of hope. I sometimes do not understand why the clear image of my own black heart brings me such comfort. But it does.

I suppose that in some way, being honest about it helps me better understand the nature of Grace.

I don't deserve what Jesus did for me.

That single thought brings me vast joy.

I am not the perfect Christian. I am not the perfect human. I am not the perfect son, brother, friend, or boyfriend.

I am a monster, deeply flawed and deliberately wicked.

And I am loved. Especially by the One who rightfully ought not to at all.

The road passes between two hills as it bends towards the moon. The soft light cuts through the pressing legion of black ghosts. The track ends, and I find myself in Pullman and at peace.

Busy busy busy

2006-06-04T22:37:00.000-07:00

Jumping Jayhawk's parents are in town, along with her sister, her sister's boyfriend, and her brother. So, I've been ultra-busy and quite out of touch with reality for a while.

I cannot wait to just have a quiet moment at home so I can get back to work, listen to some death metal, play Half-Life 2: Episode One, clean my appartment, and catch up on everyone's blogs.

We went camping in Oregon at the Wallawa Lake Campground. It. Was. So. Awesome. JJ will have pics up on her facebook account soon (and please comment, to those of you who keep pestering her for pictures and then don't comment when she posts them!).

We hiked up to another waterfall, got pictures taken near them, went horseback riding, learned about the Nez Perce Indian tribe, and spent time near a beautiful lake.

Freakin' awesome.

In the meantime, my collection of H.P. Lovecraft horror stories have been taunting me, demanding my attention. Thoughts are rumbling in my head regarding a comparison of Cthulhu to Jesus. A good comparison. As in, how the two are similar. As in, how cosmic horror can teach us about God. More on that later.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand Back again

2006-05-29T23:03:00.000-07:00

We're back. After a long car ride, a hike up to a double-waterfall, and an afternoon of admiring Mount Hood from a distance, the GF and I have finally returned.

And dang, we're tired.

We had a lot of trouble staying awake on the way back, thanks to the intensity of the previously mentioned hike.

So... overall? Portland is definately a town worth visiting. We had a lot of fun once we got downtown and poked around. Oh, and the Rose Gardens are fantastic.

However, be forewarned: Driving in Portland is a living nightmare. The highways are not marked very well at all, and the street layout was designed by a drunken chipmunk. Kansas City, MO is easier to navigate than Portland. And that's saying a LOT (especially for those of you who know me and have driven with me down to the plaza - you know how much I despise driving there). It isn't Cape Cod scary or anything like that... it's just... well... buy a map. A GOOD one. And highlight every route. Twice. Drunken chipmunk. Not kidding. It's that bad.

The mass transit system is well conceived and FREE if you're bustling about mostly in the downtown area. Oh, did I mention that there's no sales tax? And about eleventy billion shopping malls?

But anyway, apart from snagging a slick suit for Bugzie's wedding for less than $350, I picked up some collections of stories by H.P. Lovecraft. If you're at all in to his work, I highly reccomend reading the short story titled Pickman's Model. Good stuff, I tell you.

Well, that's enough for now. The GF should be processing some photos of Mount Hood soon, and I have some killer pictures of the waterfall. I'll post them when I get more energy... and after my meeting with my advisor tomorrow.

Until then, I'm going to go answer the Call of Chthulu, then get some sleep.

The Trip Thus Far -or- OMG RAIN LOL WTF

2006-05-28T11:19:00.000-07:00

Rain.

Clouds.

Fog.

That has been our experience of Portland so far. As a result, we have been completely unable to do ANY of the outdoor activities we had planned. So, yesterday, we shopped. A lot. For lots of stuff. And I'm tired. And my feet hurt.

Today, it's still cloudy with some rain, so we're just going to go to the very cool looking city center and... shop. If it clears up, the rose gardens are nearby.

There are a LOT of beautiful bridges and hills and more trees than the law allows out here... but things have been so rainy and dreary we haven't been able to snap any pictures.

Anyway, we gotta get going. More later.

We Made It

2006-05-26T23:38:00.000-07:00

I'm writing from the hotel in Portland. We are here. And we are tired. The GF is plotting out the activities for tomorrow which may or may not include a trip to the Rose Garden, the Japanese Gardens, the weekend Market, and the Portland Zoo. All of them sound fun, but we'll see how far we get tomorrow. :)

More to come...

Portland, HO!

2006-05-26T13:40:00.000-07:00

We're off to Portland today for a much needed getaway. We're supposed to have wireless internet at the hotel, so we'll post pictures... maybe... if we get a chance.

In the meantime, I have submitted my first abstract (a brief summary of my data) to Psychonomics, and it looks like I'll be headed there this fall!

Oh, and for all you comic book types people out there, I have a strong reccomendation: Pick up a copy of The Ultimates or The Ultimates 2 from Marvel. Awesome stuff.

McFarlane gets "LOST"

2006-05-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

It looks like Todd McFarlane landed the license to make figures from the hit T.V. show LOST.

*EDIT*: The first image of the figure for Charlie has been released.

I normally wouldn't post something like this here, but you have to understand - this is MASSIVELY BIG NEWS in the action figure world right now. I mean, MASSIVELY BIG.

And, of course, this is so for several reasons.

1. They're freaking LOST action figures
2. Being made by Todd McFarlane (which means they will look AMAZING - you can see more pictures of the kind of products they produce here, here, and here, and that's just a sample.)
3. See #1 and #2
4. Todd hasn't done a drama show like this before
5. Nobody has made figures from a show THIS INSANELY POPULAR before.

So, yes, it's big, BIG news.

The major upside, of course, is that my favorite toy company is continuing to innovate and produce fun, interesting products (the reason I collect their merchandise in the first place). With this upcoming line, I think they're going to do quite well for themselves and continue to get their name out there. Oh, and did I mention they will also continue to give good exposure to my favorite little hobby?

Of course, comic book hero fans and horror geeks on the Spawn.com forums right now are railing and moaning about this announcement. They don't want LOST figures... they want more things wrapped in black leather or bleeding or tortured or warped or whatever other horrible thing they can think of. But this, of course, is the typical fanboy response. It will largely be drowned out when the massive number of LOST viewers who have a background in Star Trek fandom (which does include a sizeable amount of action figure collectors) find out about this, freak out in excitement, and start pre-ordering the figures by the case.

I'm gonna call it now, I think these figures are going to be very, very hot collectibles and would be a good investment to pretty much any action figure collector (that is, if any do actually read my blog besides myself, of course!), as I'm sure that the show will continue to have a strong following long after its final episode has aired.

For those interested, Spawn.com will be revealing images of the first of the six figures they have prepared for series 1 sometime tomorrow. Sadly, there is no figure of Saheed (am I spelling that right?), who is the only character I would be interested in getting... especially if he came with a car battery as an accessory.

If you don't know why a car battery would be a good accessory for Saheed, then you haven't been watching the show and I'm not going to explain it to you... but I'm sure Vivaquijote will. :)

Why I did NOT get up at 8:00 A.M. This morning

2006-05-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

I went to bed around 12:40. It was hot. Really hot. I tossed. I turned. Too hot. Can't sleep.

Well, there's a window. Let's open that. I got up, shuffled over to it, and opened it up.

That helped a bit, but there wasn't much circulation in the room. Dang, I wish I had a fan.

I tossed. I turned. Hot, but not so bad. I started to drift.

Then, the neighbors turned on their radio. At. Two. In. The. Morning.

Vile things entered my mind. I pictured myself eating their hearts, turning off the radio, and falling asleep blisfully. Then I remembered that murder was illegal, among other things, so I would probably have to find another way to resolve the problem.

It came down to the choice of trying to habituate to the music or shutting the window. I figured I could just pluck up and deal with it. I continued to try and sleep, and began to doze.

Then I heard the flute.

No, really.

Some stupid bastard was practicing the flute. At. Three. In. The. Morning.

Images of the flute shoved up a certain orifice crept in to my head. I seriously had murder on my mind. Who wouldn't? I mean, come on. Who the hell practices a flute at THREE A.M.?!?

I made a quick calculation in my mind regarding the distance of the sound of the flute to my currrent position. It was much, much too far away to get up and go kill the midnight flautist. I had no choice but to shut the window.

Then it got hot. Again. Really hot.

I tossed. I turned. But I couldn't hear the flute any more, and that made me happy. I still wish that I had a fan, though. I contorted into some absurd position and started to doze.

Then the sky started to get light. And the birds noticed. Especially the really, really, really loud one just outside my window. It decided to start singing to everyone and everything that it was the early bird and it was going to get the worm. In. Loud. Piercing. Squaks.

Right. Outside. The. Window.

That didn't last long. I got up and bolted outside in my boxers (and in the red haze of bloodlust) and chased off the stupid bird.

It felt so cool outside. I wanted to fall asleep on the pavement. But I didn't. It was too hard. And I wanted something soft.

I stormed back inside. Freaking hot. I wish I had a flipping fan.

Just as I was about to lie back down, I noticed that not two feet from my pillow was an oscillating fan.

It had been sitting right there the entire time.

I felt a combination of rage and stupidity mixed with relief. I plugged the fan in, and collapsed.

It was now about four in the morning.

I think I finally fell asleep around five.

OMG BEARS!!!

2006-05-14T12:43:00.000-07:00

These are the Grizzly Bears that live just down the street from my appartment in WSU's hibernation research unit. They work in conjunction with Yellowstone National Park to study the sleeping patterns of these bears during their hibernation cycle. Cool stuff.

And yes, one of the bears in the photos above is acting just like a certain Conan O' Brian character. You can figure out which one if you think hard enough.

Weird. Now I kinda want some honey.

More Pictures

2006-05-14T12:33:00.000-07:00

Yes, that is the Jolly Green Giant. On a hillside. In Washington.

No, I have no idea what in hell it's up there for.

I should have turned left at Walla Walla Washington...

2006-05-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

Pictures of our trips. The top few are from our Walla Walla trip, and are mostly of the schoolhouse winery. The lower few starting with the abstract wind chimes are from around the WSU campus.

And yes, that is me standing next to the bell. And the hotness to the right is the GF.

The other two people are my parents.

By the way, plus 100 points to the first person who can tell me who I'm quoting in this post title.

Metaphors/Realities

2006-05-14T00:54:00.000-07:00

To what can I be likened in my current state of mind?

A phantom haunting the hills of the Palouse.

A monster clambering over the cliffs and crags of the Blue Mountains.

A lone rider descending into the snake river valley at night.

A fallen colossus among toppled towers of notebooks and articles.

A weary warrior making the long journey home.

A grouchy bear disturbed from a deep slumber.

What have I been in reality today?

A son spending time with his parents.

A man cherishing his woman.

A dreamer haunted by waking nightmares.

A weary soul adrift in unconsciousness.

A driver upon the undulating Washington highways.

A broken sinner kneeling before God.

The End

2006-05-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

My first year of Graduate School is finally over. Thank God.

Now, I get to start reading articles and planning some lab creations over the summer without having class to get in the way of my work! Huzzah!

I've been too frazzled and, surprisingly, busy, to really sit down and update the blog for a while... so, lo and behold, here I am doing it now.

Just a brief update today, though. I have to go in to the office and get some reading done before a meeting tomorrow.

In the meantime, I'd like to give a shout-out to all my amigos from the Goat Herd who are at E3 right now, getting to watch the trailers for Halo 3, Too Human, and all the brand new Nintendo products firsthand: Mothergoat, Fragmental, Ryckert, and Jack Burton. Have a blast, and keep us posted!

Desire The End

2006-05-01T11:10:00.000-07:00

I desire the end
The touch of armageddon
This world encased in flames
Bodies lie beneath fallen kingdoms
I walk on fallen kingdoms
I desire the end
I desire the new beginning

ZAO
from Liberate Ex Inferis

The Inner Ring

2006-04-25T11:23:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't been paying attention the last few days, the list of blogs I link to has grown substantially. Why? Because all of a sudden, there are quite a few blogs by good friends of mine that have gone up! I'm quite pleased with the emersion of this nifty little blog ring, as it makes me feel uber-connected with friends of mine who are anywhere but close to here.

Take some time and peruse those blogs in the "Fellow Shipmates" section of the sidebar and find out what's going on in other parts of the country and the world.

The Silent Hill Guide to Decorating Your Home

2006-04-23T00:07:00.000-07:00

I recently went to see the "Silent Hill" movie.

It was freaking hilarious. Of course, I mean "freaking hilarious" in the same way that I find Final Destination 2 to be "freaking hilarious." If you like to laugh at bad horror movies that weren't trying to be funny, run, don't walk, to the nearest theatre playing this film.

As a result of playing the Silent Hill games and seeing the Silent Hill movies, I created The Silent Hill Guide to Decorating Your Home and posted it on the goat herd. I would stick it up here, but it's late, I'm lazy, I don't wanna, AND visiting the goat herd is never a bad thing. :)

Be forewarned: If you haven't seen the movie or played the game, it won't be quite as funny. It will, however, be very, very disturbing.

Enjoy!

Man Overboard

2006-04-21T00:35:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer:

Every once in a great while, I just feel like writing something both unpleasant and beautiful. I decided to share one such brief unpleasantness with all of you. Bear two things in mind: Its only meaning is what you bring to it, and it is short and will be over soon.

------------

It moved too quickly. The rope was around my ankle, and the weight at the other end pulled me over. Down beneath the sea I fell, clawing at the crushing cords. Fingers feverishly searched my pant-leg until they found the familiar handle of my knife, then turned their energy to the work of cutting the dead weight free. The relief of the liberation was short lived. I no longer knew which direction was up.

I saw lights above and below. I knew not which to trust. The ones below flickered with the frailty of old regret, wisdom, and ghosts. The lights above pulsed with ferocty and power, then faded, then lived again in brilliance. I glanced again at the ancient lights below in time to see a lethe frame slide beneath me, teeth flashing in the glare of the lights above.

My body thrust me upward. It struggled in the brine, clawing towards the pounding, throbbing lights above. Please, God, let this be the right direction. Let me be close to a life boat!

I reached a rippling membrane that stretched across the bursting lights. My hand pressed against it, and it passed through it into the cold, empty beyond. Oh, God, no. This was the wrong direction.

My sight started to fade. I had no time. Either I broke through to the nothing beyond, or turn back towards the spectral glow and waiting teeth.

I lunged towards the undulating membrane.

I erupted into a world where space rested between falling drops of water. I gasped, and emptiness filled my lungs. I could not swim, but only thrash about in the portal I had made. A ribbon of light tore apart the black, bringing with it a crashing roar.

My senses returned to me. Thank God. This was the surface. I had chosen the right direction.

I drifted in the storm, completely helpless. My eyes caught the husk of my ship, ablaze on the waves beyond. One minute it was in a valley, the next high atop a mountain peak. The water grew thick around my weak limbs. My strength would not return me to my vessel. There was nothing I could do.

The burning frame of the ship crumbled under the power of the waves. Men and women, like burning seraphim before God, danced from the deck in to the sea. Whatever screams I might have heard were stifled by the wind and the thunder and the perverse beauty of the scene. The fiery wreck dropped again in to a valley of water. It did not summit the wave's peak when it crested the next moment. Nothing remained of it but the fire's afterimage on my retina.

The lights below pulsed, and the lights above answered. The water between became clear in the fading illumination, disclosing the presence of teeth. The weight of my body grew too much for my arms and legs.

No. This is wrong. I must have gone in the wrong direction.

My eyes closed. My mouth opened. Water filled my lungs. My eyes opened to the lights below surrounding me and a flash of teeth before me.

Springtime for Pullman...

2006-04-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

Just click on any of the pictures for larger images. Enjoy. :)

Good Friday

2006-04-14T11:08:00.000-07:00

"This is love, that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

-Somewhere in I John.

Today, remember the reason that we call ourselves Christians.

An Ecclesiastical Thought

2006-04-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

Inspired by various comments on Valparaiso's most recent post:

When the old pass a torch to the young, what other burdens are passed along with it? Do the old see the young as the next generation of leaders to be trained and prepared to take the reins, or as an opportunity to make right all the wrongs they have done and believe themselves too old to do anything about?

Robinson Crusoe is an interesting example to bring up. In the book, he bucked against the teachings of his father - "Value the middle path in life!" - and set out for high adventure, fame, gold, and glory. Instead, he found God on the high seas, and the encounter with the ensuing storm left him stranded on that desert island. As he waited there, his solitude presented him with the opportunity to once again know the Lord, and come to terms with the teachings of his father. Only once he had lost everything did he come to grasp the importance of humility. It is this lesson that is worth passing from old to young that transcends the deterioration of the world - all we have is dust. Do not worry about fame, fortune, or high adventure. If they are to come, they will come, and those who seek them find ruin and great sorrow. No ammount of ambition and fortune seeking ever wrought peace.

In the end, all things - the young and the old - will all fall in to the sea, and what they left behind will drown in an endless march of sand. The old will train the young to inherit these empires of dirt. But then the young will become old, and the unborn will become young, and they too will inherit the wind as their fathers did and their fathers before them. They stack their bricks and bend their steel in vain, for in the end nothing they do will be able to overpower the steady onslaught of sand.

Meaningless, meaningless... a chasing after the wind! There is nothing new under the sun! What was now is, and what has already been is yet to come again!

No Rain

2006-04-07T13:21:00.000-07:00

As in, the mellow yet compelling song by Blind Mellon.

Or a metaphor for the lack of updates on this blog for a while.

I'm currently using most of my writing skills to try and get work done here during the last few weeks of class. Some exciting things have been happening in the lab regarding my project, but I just don't have a whole lot of time in the next few weeks to write about them here. Once April 22nd has come and gone (the last day for running subjects before dead week), I should have more time. Until then, if you need me, I'll be in the lab.

Grad School Update/Methodology Rant

2006-03-23T10:26:00.000-08:00

Haven't done one of these for a while, so we're about due. Stuff is about to get crazy go nuts around here, seeing as we only have five weeks left in the semester (or something like that). It is about this time that I get swamped with studying for finals, finishing up projects, and running subjects in the lab like an ill-tempered constipated baboon surviving on a diet consisting mainly of mountain dew and pop rocks (WARNING: the preceeding metaphor is neither accurate nor to be taken as a genuine evaluation of my diet which is in fact decent).

Research is taking an interesting twist as my advisor and I have been cooking up a potential new project that would attempt to show some scientific evidence for the idea that "you pay attention to what you want to pay attention to." It sounds simple, but in reality it's going to be like squeezing a camel through the eye of a needle. People often wonder why scientists try to prove "common sense" with scientific research. The reason we do this is because all too often, common sense can be flat out wrong.

Well, that and we're supposed to be skeptical. But in this situation, we (my advisor and I) feel that there may be a legitimate concept behind the idea that our volition (our will) drives and directs our attention mechanism to whatever we want to pay attention to in our environment.

Here's where it gets tough. We have to contend with three very well established theories of attention in the field:

Object-based attention (attention attends only to specific objects as a whole)
Attribute based attention (attention attends to features of an object and then integrates them into a whole)
Space based attention (you attend to a set area of space - sort of like a spotlight - and whatever happens to be there at the time).

Here's the basic idea for the proposed experiment: We create a set of stimuli that we hold constant, and then present it to subjects in three conditions:

1. A condition where we ask them to look for and respond to the object itself
2. A condition where we ask them to look for and respond to a feature of the object
3. A condition where we ask them to look at a field of space and respond to the object there

What we would hope to find is that under the different direction conditions using the exact same stimuli in all three conditions, the responses to the stimuli would change from direction condition to direction condition. According to the respective theories themselves, this should not happen as we are attending to the exact same stimuli, and the three theories are just three approaches to the same basic effect.

So, yeah, if we can show that the participants response times to the objects (which will be our dependent measure) have different means for all three conditions, then BAM! We have some support for our hypothesis that volition directs attention (as the direction conditions told them to attend willfully to different things) and could have a really great publishable paper.

Here's the big, big, BIG problem: My advisor has been thinking about this experiment for years. The reason she hasn't run it? Coming up with a stimulus that fits all three theories yet could fit the requirements of the task is going to be as hard as hell.

It may not seem like it, but there are hundreds of little considerations we have to deal with (more than I care to get in to) that eliminate the useage of certain types of objects.

So, as a result of this, my job is, over the next few months (yes, it will take that long), I have to try and come up with a stimulus design that fits all three theories AND fits the proposed task. What this will entail is a HELL of a lot of reading and research. And I mean a HELL of a LOT of reading and research so I can get a good grasp of what we call Construct Validity (which is a nice way of saying I understand the theory backwards and forwards) for all three theoretical concepts so I can even start to try and build this stimulus.

The cool thing about it is I'm super-excited to get to work on it.

Of course, me having told all of you this means that I can't run ANY of you as participants, so you can feel relieved about that. The reason I can't is because you now all know my hypothesis, so if I were to run you, your expectations on the project regarding what kind of response would best be helpful to us would result in you shaping your responses to help. It's called the good subject effect, and it completely ruins data. (It's also because of this that we eject participants who try to guess the hypothesis/purpose of the study. We try to structure the experiments so that they have no idea in hell what is happening. If they think they've figured it out, right or wrong, and start to shape their responses to fit their idea of what is happening, it also screws up the data as they will tailor their responses to fit what they think is happening. This is the validity threat called Hypothesis Guessing.

Both are good ways to ruin a researchers day and make them hate you with the fire of a thousand suns because:

1. You've just wasted their time, probably about two hours of their day, in which they could have been working on something else OR running a subject who didn't try to sabotage their study

2. You've just wasted your time, because the data you gave them cannot be used and running you was completely pointless

The trouble with hypothesis guessing and the good subject effect, of course, is that you absolutely cannot keep the subject from trying to figure out what the purpose of the study is. In fact, every single subject by virtue of basic human curiosity will try to figure it out at some point. There are , of course, ways we can structure the experiment to prevent them from forming an idea one way or another about what is being measured in the study. If the researcher has done their job right, the correct response when they ask you "what do you think the study was about" should be "I have no freaking clue what just happened and I want to pound my head against a wall." If a majority of the subjects can say anything else to them, then they've goofed up somehow.

These, among many other things, are the ideas and concepts and threats to the validity of our studies that we have to tackle whenever we build an experiment. It takes a LOT of time to get it done right, so you can imagine how frustrating it is for us to have to deal with subjects who either try to wreck it for us deliberately (they do exist, and we hate them) or just don't take it seriously enough to make an effort to respond at all.

There is, of course, one other implication of me telling you all this that I hope is a bit obvious: Because I want to talk to all of you about this, and I know that some of you will find this topic very interesting, I have to maintain anonymity on this blog. If I were to, say, post the hypothesis of my experiment in a public forum with my name attached to the blog, then my students and/or potential subjects could find it, learn the hypothesis, and subsequently ruin the subject pool for my experiment. Ah, but if I remain anonymous, the subject pool is kept in the dark, and I am free to share what I am tinkering about on with all of you happily and freely.

Comedy Central, Bastion of Truth

2006-03-22T10:49:00.000-08:00

Two things happened this past week that have me both excited and up in arms... and totally in love with Comedy Central right now.

The first is the whole South Park vs. Scientology controversy. I'm sure you've heard of it by now. If not, here are the relevant links to get you up to speed:

1. Chef quit?
2. Tom Cruise behind pulling of Scientology episode? Seriously?
3. Chef returns?

As many of you may (or may not) know, I am a South Park nutcase. I just can't get enough of it. In my opinion, it is the most relevant animated satire on television, and among the best and most important television shows currently being aired today. When the Scientology episode first premiered, I knew there would be a major fallout as a result. And BAM! Here it is.

If it is at all true that Tom Cruise was behind the pulling of the Scientology episode re-airing, well... I would say that it proves he's a dick, but I guess you really don't need to prove that (FREE KATIE!).

Still, I propose a boycott of Tom Cruises movies in support of South Park. Specifically, I am boycotting Mission Impossible III. I don't care if the allegations are true or not, I will not support that moron's movie endeavors any longer. Hopefully, the episode will get aired at some point in the future anyway and then he will stop promoting MI3 as well. ;)

In other Comedy Central news, the Daily Show with Jon Stewart was a real mind-blower last night. He had a former Iraqi general who worked directly with Saddam Hussein as a guest last night who basically said that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, he knows this to be a fact because he commanded the men who moved them to Syria, and he flat out said that Saddam pulled a fast one on the UN.

Here's why I am so impressed with this: This guy just substantiated everything the Bush administration had been claiming and that Jon Stewart (and the rest of the media) had been poking fun at them for. Hell, all of us have, up to a point, probably just given up the idea that WMD's were ever in Iraq. But here's a man who has first hand knowledge of their whereabouts substantiating those seemingly erroneous claims, and he's a guest on the freakin' Daily Show.

To put it bluntly, Jon Stewart has some serious integrity. I am uber-impressed that he would interview a man potentially capable of proving him (and a large number of other people) quite wrong. I mean... a freaking IRAQI GENERAL!!! ON THE DAILY SHOW!!! To me, that was a sign that while Jon loved to make light of and laugh at many things on his show, it was still a far better source of relevant, important news than CNN, NBC, CBS, and FOX combined. Seriously.

My hat is off to you, Jon Stewart. I'm sorry for doubting you after the Oscars.

An Alarm Clock That May Actually Work For Me...

2006-03-15T18:32:00.000-08:00

They've invented an alarm clock that actually runs off and hides somewhere in your house after you hit the snooze alarm.

This could, potentially, be the most important technological innovation of the 21st century.

And it could also go a hell of a long way to getting me out of bed in the morning.

Just a hint, but this would make a very good birthday present. ;)

Long Week

2006-03-10T00:43:00.000-08:00

I've made a few cosmetic changes around here to reflect my whole new sunken ship theme. Mostly because I do feel a bit like I'm adrift on a plank in a troubled ocean and under attack by sea serpents (I figured the metaphor works well here, as my blog is about a famous boat). Why? Grad school is crazy nuts, that's why!

The past two weeks, I've... well, let's just say its been busy as hell, and I'm ready for a much needed rest over spring break.

Here's the good news:

1. I recently delivered my first full lecture to a class this week, and the only improvements my advisor suggested were that I don't use the overhead projector to hand-write notes and that I drink my water out of a cup instead of a bottle (which is distracting, apparently). In other words, she thought I did an awesome job. This meant a lot to me, coming from her.

2. I totally nailed my stats test today. Well, at least I hope so. I felt really good about it, andI normally don't have a feeling one way or the other about a test (even when I end up nailing them anyway). Well, we will see.

I recently got the 1970's version of The Hills Have Eyes, and I'm excited to watch it before I see the remake sometime this next week.

Oh, did I mention that I'm doing absolutely NOTHING at all for my spring break? It's going to be glorious! I can't wait to get started on all of my nothing! Huzzah!

In the meantime, I hope I can catch up on sleep and get a little reading done. My insomnia has been really bad the past few weeks, and it's cutting in to my work day as I have a harder and harder time getting out of bed in the morning.

A lot of it is that once I get my mind to calm down enough to get to sleep, I just don't want to wake up. I find myself adrift in an ocean of senselessness, where I don't have to think or speak or feel or dream.

Oh, to be a sea serpent silently swimming that sea of solace in serene solitude...

Why Chris Rock was the best Academy Awards host ever

2006-03-07T00:20:00.000-08:00

Well, I sat through the last half of the Oscars last night. I didn't give a crap about any of the movies (well, except for Walk the Line... which was pretty good, but definitely not worthy of an Oscar win). I was more interested in seeing what John Stewart of the Daily Show would be saying to piss off Hollywood. I was ecstatic, hoping he had already made them horribly uncomfortable by simply telling them the truth (that is, by telling them that nobody takes them as seriously as they do by just telling a few jokes about them).

Apparently, he did receive a cold reception from the Hollywood "Pantheon".

But I wasn't satisfied.

I've heard mixed reviews, some of the Showbiz elite complimenting him, while others condemning him. But overall, he could have done so much more with the opportunity he was presented. I was hoping to see the sharp-witted Jon Stewart I see every night on the Daily Show ripping in to the problems of this country with the sharp blade of wit and satire. Instead, I found a watered down version of my favorite comedian/pundit, landing what appeared to be pulled punches. Oddly enough, even the pulled punches were more than too much for the horribly frail senses of humor among the spoiled stars, as they froze him out with silence save for the few who actually still had a sense of humor about themselves.

But still, though blows were landed and the spoiled children we call "stars" briefly had to deal with someone who did not take them as seriously as they did, I was still not satisfied at the end of it all.

Why?

I don't think Stewart went far enough.

I tuned in not to see pulled punches, but landed blows on artificial noses. I did not want to see an uncomfortable silence after every joke, but a hostile silence. I wanted to see the same biting anti-establishmentarianism on the Oscars that I saw every night on the Daily Show.

In other words, I was hoping he could actually top Chris Rock.

Chris Rock is, by far, my all-time favorite Oscar host. He seized the opportunity presented to him to slap the Hollywood "Pantheon" upside it's head and used it for all it was worth. He went ahead and mocked Sean Penn. He cracked all sorts of jokes about the various odd habits of the stars. But the best part was when he showed a video loaded with brief interviews with the everyday moviegoer. Hardly any of them had actually watched the movies up for the best picture award that year. Instead, they had all gone to see Harry Potter or Saw. The audience was silent. The point had been made. They were not as important to their "adoring audience", much less the rest of the world, as they thought they were. Chris didn't let them leave without facing that truth.

And I so desperately wish Jon Stewart had done the same.

Movies are powerful vehicles for story telling. They can inspire us to great heights, they can teach us deep truths, and they can anger us in to action. But first and foremost, they are designed to entertain us. Nothing more, nothing less. And an audience that is not entertained will not long be an audience at all. Stars often forget that the average moviegoer is not interested in what they have to say about the way the world works. The average moviegoer just cares about them long enough to be entertained by them. Once the movie's over and the lights come on, they go back in to the real world and face their daily problems. Stars don't seem to understand that any more. They just can't leave their work in the theatres. They've become convinced, not just that they have to make a difference, but that they are making a difference in the world around them, even when the majority of the moviegoing public has absolutely no idea what the hell kind of difference they're talking about.

Throughout the ceremony last night, I heard Oscar recipients drone on and on about how the movies this year were truly something special, and that through them Hollywood continues to have a huge impact on culture and society.

Oh, really? That's a shame.

I mean, it's a shame that they still think that. It's a real, true shame that they're so full of self-importance that they can't even laugh at themselves for one night. Or that they continue to make and reward pretentious films that the average moviegoing public doesn't care about.

But more than that, it's a shame that Jon Stewart, a man I believe actually does have his head screwed on in the right direction and who has a legitimate influence on the younger generation in this country, didn't remind the self-absorbed stars that no one cares about what they think, say, or do outside of Hollywood.

**Brief Edit**

Just to clarify:

I'm not saying I don't like Jon Stewart or anything like that. In fact, I'm a huge fan of his, and he's one of my all-time favorite entertainers. I'm just saying I wish he would have pressed the "shiny red button", so to speak. ;)

Time for another funny website post...

2006-03-03T14:28:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's time for something funny.

This time, it's Schadenfreude Interactive, a "company" that "makes" "games." Yes, it's fake. But it's hilarious. Some of their "offerings" "include" a game called Hannibal Crossing (a parody of a game called Animal Crossing for my non-game-savvy readers), in which cuddly little animals go about the business of re-enacting the Second Punic War.

I could go on and on, but it's best of you just go see for yourself.

Bias

2006-02-27T15:01:00.000-08:00

"Recognizing that the divergent views expressed by others are apt to be sincerely held rather than a motivated strategy to seek advantage can help to defuse the spiral of conflict. Recognizing also that the biases that influence others result from normal psychological processes - processes to which we too are susceptible - rather than some essential characteristic of the other group, should further be helpful."

-Ehrlinger et al.

From Peering Into the Bias Blind Spot: People's Assessments of Bias in Themselves and Others by Joyce Ehrlinger, Thomas Gilovich, and Lee Ross (published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, vol. 31 no. 5, May 2005, 680-692).

Debates, loneliness, darkness, locusts, Jesus, and the Scum of the Earth

2006-02-24T00:35:00.000-08:00

It seems like every time I've turned around this week, I've been in an argument. Not intentionally, mind you. It just seems like every time I try to express my opinion on something, I have at least two people ready to turn my simple statement of preference in to an argument.

Not that I mind it so much... a good debate has always been fun to me. But sometimes I just wish someone would say, "oh, I totally get where you're coming from," and actually agree wholeheartedly with me on something without feeling the need to then subsequently engage in a lively debate.

It's sort of like that whole "waiting your turn to talk" thing. I hate doing that. So, I just stopped volunteering information about myself altogether in pretty much any conversation where I feel like that happens. And do my conversation partners notice? Of course not. They're just interested in hearing themselves speak, so they're getting precisely what they want out of the conversation. And I'm happy to give it to them. I'll listen. I'll try to understand. I'll try to help where I can (and when appropriate). And, as a matter of fact, I do enjoy doing it.

But there is, of course, still a part of me that just wants someone else to listen to me for a change. To try and get inside my head for once. To try to see the dark, dying world through my eyes. To walk a mile in my shoes. You know how it goes.

But, for some reason, each time I try to just share a little bit of what I see in the world, I invariably end up with an argument on my hands, warranted or not. I get pretty surprised by it sometimes, as I think I'm just tossing out a benign opinion. And then WHAM! A debate springs up.

There is one such instance of attempted sharing that rises to mind tonight.

So I have what my girlfriend calls a tendency to gravitate towards the darker, scarier things in the world. I like horror movies, I listen to hard rock, I like to collect action figures of monsters, I'm fascinated by the sinful human condition, I'm fascinated by folk tales of monsters and ghosts, and I have what some might term a fairly cynical outlook on the human race.

It was strange tonight... during my bible study, I made the comment that I saw God's justice in the swarms of locusts described in Joel chapter 1, and that I found great security in that. My companions were outright horrified. Immediately, I had a group of guys trying to get to the bottom of how on earth I could see Justice in what they said was a situation where bad things were happening to Israel for no fault of their own.

I kept trying to explain to them that when I saw images like swarms of locusts obliterating an entire nation's crops, when I read about God's glory coming down and touching the mountains so that they smoke, and how the day of the Lord will be a dark and terrible day shrouded in shadow, I don't just see terror and fear and despair.

No, I see a God who is worth worshipping.

My favorite stories about Jesus are the ones that talk about the types of people he spent his time with. Specifically, he tended to seek out and spend time with fishermen, prostitutes, tax collectors, and rebels fighting against the Roman occupation of Israel.

If you were to put all of those various types of people in to a modern context, Jesus sought out and spent time with rednecks, porn stars, IRS employees, and terrorists.

He loved them, cared for them, healed their sicknesses, and taught them about the Kingdom of God when the religious leaders of their day completely and totally abandoned them, along with the rest of society.

So, yes... I do find great comfort even when I see the hand of God unleashing plagues and disaster. I know that the blood of the New Covenant speaks a better promise than the blood of Abel. I know that God is not going to go back on his promise that those who believe in him will not perish. I know that even these seeming terrors, horrors, and disasters will ultmately work out for the Glory of God in spite of the fact that they caused so much death. Everywhere I look, everywhere I turn, no matter how hard I have tried to ignore it, I see the Grace of God at work in the world... especially in the places where others seem to not see it the most.

And I suppose that is why what I said set off my compatriots the way it did. It is difficult to communicate the complicated emotion I get when I read about God's wonders in the Old and New Testament. And I also suppose I didn't do the best job of trying to explain it to them.

I see now that the thing I was trying to convey to them could only rightly be communicated by falling on my face like a dead man.

Who the hell is Lee? -or- Evangelism Rant part 3

2006-02-20T23:30:00.000-08:00

In response to David Bryan's question regarding the identity of the "Lee" person mentioned in my previous evangelism rant, I have produced this continuation of that same rant. It began simply enough as an explanation of who Lee was, but it has, instead, blossomed in to another component of my ongoing soapbox tirade against what I believe are crappy evangelism techniques. Mr. David Bryan, here is the answer to your question:

The "Lee" in question was the poor student the people running the T-shirt campaign selected as their frontman.

The campaign works like this: Students start wearing the mysterious "I agree with So-and-so" t-shirts around campus on Monday and Tuesday. On Wednesday, they buy out an entire page of the student newspaper and run a massive ad that is basically So-and-so's written testimony and their confession of faith. Suddenly, the campus understand what the t-shirts mean, and supposedly they will start "conversations" that would hopefully "result" in the "conversion" of "many" "people" to "Christianity".

Instead, it just alienated the hell out of everyone and started a bunch of fights.
But anyway, on Friday they have a big get together where So-and-so speaks (wearing a baseball cap that says "I am so-and-so", and they all talk about how they've made a huge impact and changed the campus and the world for the better by wearing t-shirts and starting fights with people.

Oh, they also had a mid-week forum where people could go and ask questions of the t-shirt wearers to learn about their faith. The ministry had the "good" "sense" enough to pick the most combative, hateful, unfriendly Christian on campus (who routinely hopped from ministry to ministry creeping people out, starting lots of fights, making lots of girls cry by badgering them (not an exaggeration), and judging everyone who didn't see things exactly his way) to be the moderator for the "forum" discussion. You can imagine how that wound up going.
The general response from the student body was one of, "who the hell cares," and, "man, Christians are dumb and irritating," and, "why does everyone who's wearing a shirt look like they're the type of people who are a few cards short of a full deck?" That last one is an actual quote I heard from someone concerning the general attitude the shirt wearers seemed to give off.

But the best part is when people started making their own t-shirts, including "I agree with Satan" and "F*** Lee".

So, yes. It wasn't exactly a "smashing success", and in the end just gave the general population another reason to think Christians were both ignorant and irritating.
And yes, I really did get in to a fight with a certain campus minister about the campaign, warning him that it would not go over well with the student body. Why? Because of the first rule of speaker-audience communication: KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE. The people at The University of Kansas, in general, don't take well to flaky evangelism. Why? Most of them grew up in the bible-belt, and have been more or less inoculated against shallow pseudo-Christian claptrap. Not to mention the fact that Fred Phelps regularly pickets the campus during the school year, traveling preachers frequently get up on Wescoe beach and yell at the students about how they're all going to hell, and the school also just happens to be one of the primary stages for the massive Creationism/Evolution debate, making it a Mecca for pro-Creationist protesters to show up with signs and join Fred and the traveling preachers in yelling at the students. (When I went to see Phillip Johnston speak, for example, a group was actually handing out pamphlets advertising the "fact" that the world was flat. Seriously. They were protesting science because science taught that the world is round. For real.) Sadly, the minister did not see it that way, and chose to ignore the nature of the audience he was trying to reach.

When it all comes down to it, people aren't looking for you to give them a slogan or a formula or a new t-shirt to buy. Instead, shock of all shocks, people are looking for hope, friendship, kindness, encouragement, comfort, honesty, intelligence, and a sense of humor. Basically, they're looking for you to be a real human being to them. They crave it, in fact, as many people have only ever known others to be selfish, deceptive, dangerous, hurtful, abusive, liars, and thieves. And when you show them a little of what real honesty and love is like, well, they tend to snap to attention. Well, more than that, they look at you as a person because you've already shown them that they are a person to you.

And finally, between people, the Gospel can be shared in a way where the person will have to deal with the truly offensive subject matter that should really make people not like Christians: Jesus Himself.

Dental Floss

2006-02-03T21:05:00.000-08:00

OK... I just had the most unusual dining experience ever.

I went with some of the other first years to a Chinese restaurant that we had never tried before tonight for dinner. I ordered orange chicken. So far, so good. They brought out some plates for us. Oh, wait. There were not enough plates, and two of the plates they did bring out had a sugar packet burnt onto their surface so that they stuck together. A little weird, but not awful.
The waitresses were really inattentive, too. Ok, so they won't be getting a tip. At least the food was pretty good.

Well, it was until right when I was finishing up my orange chicken and discovered a bright blue ribbon of dental floss buried under some of the pieces.

Yes, dental floss.

Yes, I'm sure.

It was dental floss.

Dental. Floss.

I was so stunned that I picked it up and held it in front of my face just to make sure. Slowly, my compatriots stopped eating and started staring.

"Dude, where did you get that?"

"It was in my chicken."

"No way."

"Yes, that's where it came from."

"Is it string?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Well, it's both flat and waxy. Sort of like dental floss."

"Dental floss?"

"Dental floss."

"Dental floss!"

Yes, dental floss.

Ok, I've had some bad dining experiences before. One time my family and I discovered a used hypodermic needle underneath our table at an Italian restaurant. Another time, we waited an hour before being seated... long after everyone who came in half an hour after us had been seated... and then the food we got took another hour to not show up before we stormed out of there. Another time, there was a living, crawling caterpillar in my salad. Just recently, in a small place in Oregon, there was a deep-fried housefly underneath my French-fries.
These mishaps I can understand. Sometimes people drop the ball when it comes to seating. Sometimes flies just get too close to the frier. Other times, caterpillars, animals that like to eat plants, end up on plants that we humans also just happen to eat. I do not hold the food industry to a perfect standard by any stretch of the means. Hell, I even forgave the fly incident graciously.

But DENTAL FLOSS?

Here's where I have to just step back and go "WHAT THE HELL?!?!"

Here's why.

In the basic hustle and bustle of a restaurant, how the hell does dental floss factor in to it all? Sure, some picky customers with OCD might floss after a meal in public, and the floss may be left on the plate. But would not that have been washed off or simply baked on to the plate rather than mixed in with my orange chicken?

Through no mishap of customer did this floss make it in to the place that it did on my chicken. The error had to have occurred in the kitchen.

But what the hell do you use dental floss for in a Chinese kitchen? Perhaps it is used for wrapping up meat in a certain way, or is used to tie together vegetables in a manner that I am entirely ignorant of, and if Knarf, who has had more restaurant experience than anyone I know, or SINGAPORE, who is from Singapore, can possibly offer some enlightenment to such a cooking technique, I would be completely pacified and will let the whole thing slide.
But barring such an unknown cooking procedure, the offending item, one strand of dental floss, makes absolutely NO sense as a useful object in a Chinese kitchen.

This leads my line of thought down a darker, more sinister path... the path that, in my mind, unfortunately, is the most likely to be the most accurate: The floss wound up in my chicken through some accident of good oral hygiene and poor awareness of where one throws things he or she is finished using and needs to discard.

More simply, someone was flossing in the kitchen. When they were finished, they decided to pull a Kobe Bryant and "shoot" the floss in the general direction of the trashcan. Unlike Kobe Bryant, they were most likely not looking where they were throwing it, and it wound up in one of two places: 1. Directly in the pot of chicken (and if that is the case, why the hell is it so close to the trash can?) or 2. Directly on something that was on its merry way in to the pot of chicken.

In either case, we have two more disturbing problems to contend with:

1. Why was the pot of chicken so darn close to the trash can?

2. Why didn't the cook or whomever look at the whatever that was bound to enter the pot of
chicken?

If the whatever was some sort of bowl of sauce, I could see how it, perhaps, was not examined in the fullest.

But, for whatever reason, a piece of dental floss wound up in my orange chicken.

And yes, I am pretty darn certain it was dental floss.

Dental floss.

You see, this is not simply gross. It is also funny as hell.

I mean... DENTAL FLOSS! The mind just buckles trying to think how it could have wound up where it did!

But I digress. I flagged down a waitress, who promptly ignored me. Fortunately, another waitress was passing by and thought I was calling to her. When she saw what I was holding high up in the air for her to see, she said, "what's wrong, sir?"

"This was in my food."

"What is it?"

"Dental Floss."

Bear in mind I said the part about it being dental floss pretty loudly. Those of you who know me know that my voice carries well in a small room.
She tried to offer me more food.

I at first accepted, but when she brought out the fresh plate, I had sort of changed my mind and told her that I wasn't hungry any more.

For real. The portions were huge, and I was getting full by the time I found the dental floss.
Well, that, and when she took off to get me more food she just left the plate with the nasty little strand sitting right in front of me.

That was weird.

Plus, it was enough to convince me I wasn't hungry any more.

She apologized again, and took away the fresh plate, leaving the defiled, strand-of-mysterious-dental-floss-having-plate-of-foulness still sitting in front of my face for THE SECOND TIME.
Finally, a waitress, speaking in very broken English, came to remove the offending plate. But, of course, not before confusing the hell out of us and offering me with a chance to say, "YES, IT'S DENTAL FLOSS" very loudly yet again.

In the end, I did not pay for my meal.

Oh, and they continued to give us crappy service by the way of not giving us enough boxes and by not splitting the bill when we asked them to do so two times at the beginning of the meal.
That was by far the worst dining experience I have ever had... and I try to be forgiving about those types of things. Not so much this time.

At least I got a great story to tell out of it. I think that's worth the price of "free". ;)

Dental floss... a quarter moment for the ages.

On computer related subject material

2006-01-27T15:15:00.000-08:00

Well, I think it's time for a brief update of what's going on in the wonderful world of WSU's psych department.

First, I just finished stress testing the program for my first experiment, and it went off without a hitch. YAY! The bad news is that I still have to get the program to do one last thing... recognize and import external bitmap files so the stimuli will be displayed correctly... which will be a bear of a task.

Next, I got my new laptop (Dell XPS laptop with 1.86 Ghz Pentium-M with 1 GB ram, 80 GB harddrive, DVD R/W... very nice), so I can now do more work at the office! Unfortunately, I have to wait a little while before I can get an internet hookup in my office so I can email stuff to my home PC more easily (I love gmail, by the way). Oh, well.

I have a lot of programs to load on to the lab computers, and I need to get some programming software set up on my laptop so I can code my variables from the comfort of home.

I think I'm going to do my best to keep what's on my laptop off of my home PC. I'll back up files and programs and the like on my home PC... maybe even use it to do my essays... but it sure is nice to have a computer that I know is specifically for work.

Now if I can just get rid of all of the bundled software Dell sticks on the hard drive...

...worth a thousand words

2006-01-20T16:49:00.000-08:00

Well, Mom and Dad (and the rest of yous guys), just to show you that your Christmas gift would not go unfruitful for the two of you, here are some of the many pictures of Pullman to come.

Here's a lovely set of pictures showcasing what I woke up to this morning... SNOW. And lots of it. We got dumped on in a big way last night.

Not just snow, but Fog, too. In the topmost photograph, that's a large chunk of Pullman down there. It's hard to see it, mostly because... well... you just couldn't see that far this morning.

But this evening was a different story. Roundabout sunset, things started looking like this.

Once I figure out how to make a photo album, I'll put the rest up for you to see. But, for now, enjoy.

I have a dream...

2006-01-16T17:36:00.000-08:00

It's Martin Luther King Jr. day.

Instead of some long winded post, I just want to think about the famous end of his "I have a dream" speech. What a perfect day to sit back and ponder how far we have come and how far we have yet to go before we can say, "Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

I encourage you to think about it, too.

Oh, and if you haven't yet, start watching The Boondocks on Adult Swim.

Sibling Rivalry (Evangelism rant part 2)

2006-01-12T23:37:00.000-08:00

In the interest of further discussion, a response to a comment made by Valparaiso on the earlier post dealing with this subject matter:

So true! someone told me they call this approach to evangelism "relational evangelism." I do believe it is the best kind. It's the way Jesus himself went about it. He of course did lots of preaching, but it was his personal relationship with the twelve and with the apostle Paul that empowered them to go into the world. Good Lord, Christianity is itself a personal relationship with Him!
But I have to defend my t-shirt, bro. ok. I don't own one, but I love it when people do. it's an expression of who they are... of what they like, of what they believe in. I'd like to defend all of them Jesus Paraphernalia lovers :) !!

First, thank you, and yes, it is called "Relational Evangelism," and it is by far the most effective form. But, let me clarify my position on the T-shirt thing, just so you know where I'm coming from when I make a statement like that. I was referring more specifically to the "I agree with _____" campaigns that Campus Crusade for Christ is fond of setting up on various campuses around the country.

In general, I personally think that there's a better (and more tasteful) way to express your faith than by wearing a T-shirt... especially given the reactions I've received when I've done it myself from non-Christians. Yes, I used to be that guy... most of what I've learned about evangelism I've learned by doing it the wrong way first.

And yes, I believe that in some cases, there is a wrong way to evangelize. T-shirt evangelism, especially of the campaign type, has the potential to do more than merely put off non-Christians... it can (and often does) makes Christians seem flaky and a bit shallow in the way they treat their own faith. And that prevents the believer from ever sharing the only solid reason to be offended and get put off from the Christian faith: Jesus Himself.

Basically, I just don't want to let things like that get in the way of the gospel. And while many consider wearing T-shirts like that a bold statement of faith and a great opportunity to start conversations, those I've talked to view them as turnoffs and are less likely to talk to that person at all. They feel alienated from the outset, place certain expectations on that person, cram them into a behavioral heuristic, and allow whatever prejudice against Christianity they have to surface and condemn the T-shirt wearer long before they ever have a chance to open their mouths and speak a greeting.

Part of this may also be due to the fact that many of the people I've witnessed to have had bad experiences with Christians in the past, and have a lot of baggage they've brought to the table when we've talked. Perhaps some people have been able to start conversations as a result of wearing their T-shirts. Or perhaps it's my own vicious determination to show the world that Christians can be intelligent, reasonable people (ah, my private axe to grind).

I just believe that there is a better way.

Perhaps I am too hard on them.

Perhaps not.

In the case of the "I Agree with Lee" campaign, I don't think I was harsh enough.

I remember meeting with the director of Campus Crusade for Christ at the University of Kansas the year that they decided to run their "I agree with Lee" campaign. I tried to sit down and explain to him why I thought he was doing more harm than good. I remember that he was indignant with me and flat out asked me if I wanted people to go to hell. I remember the two of us arguing back and forth in front of my campus minister and my pastor. I remember telling him he was making a huge mistake, and that he would be completely alienating his intended audience. I remember him looking down on me as an inferior believer. I remember feeling like I wasn't talking with a brother, but with a businessman. Numbers, numbers, numbers. It was all about how many they reached and how quickly they could do it. It was all about starting conversations and putting people on the spot. It was all about getting people to "step out in faith." I remember them not changing a thing about the campaign.

Time passed.

Then something really wondeful happened.

I ran in to a friend of mine who I've known since my freshman year. She was studying for a Western Civ final, and was having a tough time with some of the material on Freud. I stopped, and took some time out to help her. We wound up discussing Freud's views on God, and I explained to her why I thought they were untenable. I also explained to her what I believed about Jesus, and the reasons he came to die on the cross. I wound up laying out the whole gospel during the course of our discussion.

After we were through talking, she got up to leave. Before she walked off, she told me that she wished other Christians were more like me. I asked her what she meant. She said that when she talked with me, she could see that I knew why I believed what I did, and that she didn't feel talked down to or put off when I spoke to her about the Gospel.

It was the best compliment I have ever received.

But please understand my point, here. I don't say this to toot my own horn, because while it was very encouraging to me on a personal level it was also one of the most frustrating things I have ever heard.

I remember how my friend had viewed the "I agree with Lee campaign." When she said what she did, she was specifically referring to the campaign, as it had come up in our conversation.

If every person who had put on one of those blasted T-Shirts had just taken the time to take a friend out to coffee and really talk with them, really listen to them, really share with them both the joys and the traumas of their life and the power of Jesus to save, the campaign would have been far more effective. But instead, the director of Campus Crusade for Christ decided to treat people like my friend as arguments to be won with the T-shirts.

Val, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to rip in to you or disqualify your right to defend your friends who like to wear Christian T-shirts. You know, perhaps they are effective in some situations, and in some cases it really may just be a nice way to express yourself. It's just that I've seen so many people miss the point of sharing the Good News with people and replace the joy of the personal witness with cheap tricks and deceptive rhetoric that completely loses the message of the Gospel itself: "In this is true love, that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Perhaps I am too hard on my brothers and sisters.

Perhaps not.

Perhaps, in some cases, I am not hard enough.